Dan Shoulders My Heavy Load

Posted on May 11, 2007 by The Daring One

So normally I’m the one who does all the blogging in the family. Not only do I blog whenever I feel like it on this site but I also blog once a week at parenting.com. Dan skips off to work his 40-60 hours at MegaCorp and I’m left to do all the blogging on my own.

This week in honor of Mother’s Day the boys are trying their hand at MommyBlogging so we can all have a much deserved break. Please head over and read Dan’s fabulous post and show him the love… in a platonic, supportive-geeky-internet-friend-of-his-wife sort of way.

Posted in Blogging, he's so fine he blows my mind, parenting | 10 Comments

Please Buy a Calendar

Posted on May 10, 2007 by The Daring One

Dan and I are a tad twisted. We are also literate and we have children. We like to read to them. We also encourage them to yell “helloooo” down storm drains to the imaginary people and piranhas who have made the sewer their home, but that’s neither here nor there.

I love how Dan always announces the title, author and illustrator before each story he reads. If none is listed, he’ll simply say, “Bunny Bedtime, by Nobody.” This makes me giggle every time. I also really really like it when he finds hidden meanings in the text. I’ve mentioned this before.

Recently Dan was reading Bunny Bedtime by Nobody.

bird4

Hop away, hop away fast little bunnies. You have no idea what subtle horror awaits you just a few short pages away.

bird5

Dan reads it this way: “Little bunnies are ready to eat. Fresh from the oven, they taste delicious in a stew.”

Personally, I think it’s inappropriate to write about bunnies being “ready to eat,” in a story intended for very young children. It’s a BOARD BOOK, for heck’s sake! It looks to me like they’re giving the rabbits treats just to fatten them up. Sickening. There are children reading this.

But don’t worry. I’ve got a sharpie and I’m not afraid to follow Strong Bad’s example and do some creative editing. Maybe the bunnies could be “ready to love,” “ready to take to the library,” or “ready to dress up in human clothing and lose all personal dignity doing a cute cuddly calendar photo shoot.”

Who doesn’t love the thought of a wittle bunny in designer jeans, suspenders and a ball cap? Hopefully no one who reads this blog.

Posted in education, kid stuff, Reviews | 22 Comments

My Life is so Exciting I Need to Sit Down

Posted on May 9, 2007 by The Daring One

boneToday I found broken glass, a rusty screwdriver, a board with protruding nails and a large leg bone* behind the bamboo in our backyard. It took a few minutes for the creepy music to die down and then I calmed myself with the thought that someone in the neighborhood would have told me if a 3-foot-tall, weight-lifting midget had been murdered in my back yard. Now I’m wondering if Mother Hubbard is taking donations.

A few nights ago I dared Dan to call Korea and he said, “I don’t even know how to call Korea.”

So I googled “CALL KOREA” and voila, he had no choice. Heads up — server administrators in Korea who are hosting illegal phishing websites will pretend not to speak English. And then they will hang up on you, even if you’re the cutest boy. But it will be okay because your wife will still be proud of you for taking a dare and trying to save the world.

Today Laylee told Grammy that when Uncle Adam’s baby is born, we’ll know whether or not it’s a girl because if it’s a girl, it’ll wear a dress to church. Duh! I say we just abolish ultrasounds as a means of determining gender and we certainly won’t be needing THESE THINGS.

Dan let the kids drink the “corn water” from the Niblets can. This is apparently a delicacy in some households.

Being both a geek and a mom, I helped build a bridge.

Magoo colored his face with an orange marker.

Laylee held a worm with gloves on. (Laylee wore the gloves. The worm didn’t have any hands.)

Oprah made me cry.

Eve made me lunch.

You can fit 4 snails into the pocket of a pair of 4T capri pants. Coincidence? I think not.

*Updated – Dan thought I should mention that I took the bone picture late at night with my camera flash. My back yard is huge and unlit so I stumbled along the fence in my crocks, taking a picture every few feet and checking to see if I’d captured the body part yet. It only took me 4 tries to get this fabulous shot. And I didn’t even step on any rusty nails in the process.

Posted in Random | 18 Comments

Just Take a Plate of Cookies

Posted on May 8, 2007 by The Daring One

Note to self: When meeting the new people next door, say something innocuous like, “Welcome” or “Cute kid you got there.”

Do not compliment them in detail on their bold new kitchen décor… in their kitchen you cannot see from the front door… in their house that you’ve never set foot in.

When speaking to a stranger you hope to become friends with, it’s never a good idea to begin a sentence with the words, “Not that I was looking in your windows, but when I was looking in your windows I noticed…”

Awkward.

Posted in all about me, Friendship, save me from myself | 22 Comments

You got a minute or twelve?

Posted on May 7, 2007 by The Daring One

So, thanks ever so much for coming and reading and putting up with all the Tom Foolery that goes on here. It would help me out a ton if you’d be willing to take a minute or twelve and fill out a reader survey. It helps me and my advertisers know a little bit about who’s reading so I can write about all the topics you care about, fish, landscaping and of course stuffed duckies.

Pretty please take my blog reader survey!
Mama needs a new roof.

When it asks you for my blog genre, I’ve listed it as a “Parenthood” blog. Even if you can just do part of the survey, that helps. Just do as much as you can.

Posted in Blogging | 18 Comments

Ultimately, I still Have to do the Laundry

Posted on May 7, 2007 by The Daring One

Evidence is mounting that I may in fact be ULTIMATE.

When we bought my new laptop, Dan went out to buy software. He came home with Windows Vista and Office and I protested, “The computer came with Vista already installed.”

“No,” said Dan, “It came with Vista Home Edition. I got you Vista ULTIMATE.”

Apparently you can buy several versions of Microsoft Windows Vista — Toddler, Student, Dropout, Home, Vacation Home, Feckless Slacker, Bidness, Successful Bidness, and ULTIMATE.

Dan thinks I’m neither “Feckless” nor “Home” very often and he certainly doesn’t want to get all up in my “Bidness.” Indeed one of the reasons he married me was because I am ULTIMATE so there you go.

He also purchased the ULTIMATE edition of Office and later asked me how I was enjoying it. “It’s ULTIMATE,” I replied and I was mostly serious.

That same week I ran out of mascara and called up Stephanie, my favorite Mary Kay-vangelist for some assistance.

“Which mascara do you suggest? I want my lashes to look nice but not like a caterpillar curled up and died on my eyelids. I also don’t want to have to burn the mascara off with acid at the end of each day so I try to steer clear of waterproof.”

“Then you want the ULTIMATE Mascara.”

“Why of course I do.”

So I’ve been wearing the ULTIMATE Mascara for a while now and the coverage and lengthening properties are not the only things that are ULTIMATE about it.

Each night when I wash my face, I dry my eyes on a towel, leaving two black mascara spots. I’ve done this for years. Normally, I’m left with a small black residue around each eye which I either wash off or sort of blend away with moisturizer.

No more. Each night when I wash the ULTIMATE Mascara from my eyes, I’m left with the ULTIMATE Mascara circles.

ultimate

So now I want to upgrade everything in my house. Hook me up with Kashi Go Lean ULTIMATE — now with even more natural-looking twigs and branches, Google Translator ULTIMATE — now offering translations of Magoolish dialogue into English, Spanish and Pig Latin, Laundry Room ULTIMATE — now with clothes sorting and folding features.

Posted in all about me, aspirations, technology | 21 Comments