Ultimately, I still Have to do the Laundry

Evidence is mounting that I may in fact be ULTIMATE.

When we bought my new laptop, Dan went out to buy software. He came home with Windows Vista and Office and I protested, “The computer came with Vista already installed.”

“No,” said Dan, “It came with Vista Home Edition. I got you Vista ULTIMATE.”

Apparently you can buy several versions of Microsoft Windows Vista — Toddler, Student, Dropout, Home, Vacation Home, Feckless Slacker, Bidness, Successful Bidness, and ULTIMATE.

Dan thinks I’m neither “Feckless” nor “Home” very often and he certainly doesn’t want to get all up in my “Bidness.” Indeed one of the reasons he married me was because I am ULTIMATE so there you go.

He also purchased the ULTIMATE edition of Office and later asked me how I was enjoying it. “It’s ULTIMATE,” I replied and I was mostly serious.

That same week I ran out of mascara and called up Stephanie, my favorite Mary Kay-vangelist for some assistance.

“Which mascara do you suggest? I want my lashes to look nice but not like a caterpillar curled up and died on my eyelids. I also don’t want to have to burn the mascara off with acid at the end of each day so I try to steer clear of waterproof.”

“Then you want the ULTIMATE Mascara.”

“Why of course I do.”

So I’ve been wearing the ULTIMATE Mascara for a while now and the coverage and lengthening properties are not the only things that are ULTIMATE about it.

Each night when I wash my face, I dry my eyes on a towel, leaving two black mascara spots. I’ve done this for years. Normally, I’m left with a small black residue around each eye which I either wash off or sort of blend away with moisturizer.

No more. Each night when I wash the ULTIMATE Mascara from my eyes, I’m left with the ULTIMATE Mascara circles.


So now I want to upgrade everything in my house. Hook me up with Kashi Go Lean ULTIMATE — now with even more natural-looking twigs and branches, Google Translator ULTIMATE — now offering translations of Magoolish dialogue into English, Spanish and Pig Latin, Laundry Room ULTIMATE — now with clothes sorting and folding features.

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21 Responses to Ultimately, I still Have to do the Laundry

  1. Kimberly says:

    Okay, you have dang pretty eyes. And I use those whooshy wet cloth thingummys (ponds, I think) to wipe my eyes, ’cause I did Ultimate mascara circles for years as well and got sick of it.

    You are the ULTIMATE!

  2. sarah k. says:

    Yeah, it really irks the senses that you can have mascara carnage all over and still have the prettiest eyes EVER. And I don’t think my Kashi GoLean needs any more realistic twigs and branches. Thank you very much. I do have the ULTIMATE hair goo, though. Sometimes my hands get stuck to my head while I’m trying to form my ultimate faux-hawk. I have an ultimate bubble, though. But what I really want, more than anything else in the known universe, is an ultimate nap.

  3. allysha says:

    I echo the sentiments: you are the Ultimate and I am glad the market place is responding to your needs. America. What a place.

  4. Shalee says:

    ROCK ON.. that’s all I can say, ROCK ON with your racoon looking self. From one racoon to another. When I think to put on mascara that is…

    And to your being ULTIMATE? I say ROCK ON! to that too.

  5. miss sunshine says:

    I want the Laundry Room ULTIMATE too!!!!! And that translator – does it work with dolphin? That’s the predominant language at our house these days… 🙂

  6. I always do the raccoon mascara eyes thing when I wash my face before bed. A few weeks ago I got a free sample of Lancome’s eye make-up remover and tried it out.

    Sweet fancy moses! Did you know you aren’t supposed to get that stuff in your eyes? I thought it was for, well, eyes. I had an oily residue on my eyeballs that I could barely see through and it kinda stung a little.

    Back to the black spots on the wash cloth I guess.

  7. Beth says:

    Ultimate huh…..can I say my Mac is the ULTIMATE on a blog belonging to the wife of an employee of the enemy?? ((grin))

  8. boomama says:

    “Feckless” AND “bidness” in THE SAME POST?

    I am beside myself with joy.

  9. Barb says:

    what we wont’ do for our blogs! the mascara self portrait is priceless! are you going to change your blog name to ultimate daring young mom? guess not – that name would imply there is another daring young mom out there, and i’m pretty sure you’re one of a kind.

  10. Millie says:

    How brave you are. “Feckless” was indeed eye-catching, and I went months before I was brave enough to post a picture of myself looking nice, let alone with mascara tracks. You da man.

  11. Karen says:

    You’re going to have to upgrade to the ultimate MK eye make-up remover. Tsk Tsk.

    Bidness is almost as fun to say is biznass.

  12. Pam in Utah says:

    Wow, I love that the translator changed your blog to French! I took some French in high school and it was fun to try to remember some of it. The things that you can get, these days! You’d think the world could figure out anything with what is available these day. Ultimately, we will, -won’t we? 🙂

  13. Stephanie says:

    Ponds? Come on people. She ultimately needs Mary Kay eyemake-up remover. (Which she already has) 🙂

  14. Jenny says:

    heh heh heh… I think I have the “dropout” version (it was cheap)…

  15. Sketchy says:

    ‘Round these parts Ultimate is reserved for Digimon… But you probably haven’t had to get that familiar with the beasties residing in the Digital world. Lucky you.

    Digimon … Digital Masters … Digimon are the Champions!

    But I could really go for the Ultimate Laundry room.

  16. So that’s why your eyes looked so lovely and lashy!
    I want the Vacation Home Vista Edition. Only if it comes iwht no mosquito and at least 5 cabana boys (Ultimate Vacation Home Vista Edition?)

  17. KYouell says:

    I have no special cream or goo to remove my non-waterproof mascara, but I do have a snazzy washcloth (2 actually). I bought it at a Bare Escentuals boutique as I am a BE fanatic but won’t buy through QVC as I want to try it before I fork over the dinero. Anyway, they used to sell these washcloths that are made from Japanese paper fiber, and yet can be washed & dried by machine. Those and some Cetaphil are all I need to remove everything. Makes life much simpler.

  18. RGLHM says:

    so great. Such a great post. YOu forgot Ultimate wrestling.

  19. Eve says:

    I missed this one! Love it! What BEAUTIFUL EYES you have!:)

  20. Geekbert says:

    I love your version of the versions of Vista. There’s a new get-a-mac ad that reminded me of your post. Really funny!

  21. Ok, I read this and laughed out loud. The ‘Mary Kay-vangelist’ bid cracked me up. I just stumbled upon your blog today and have enjoyed reading it.

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