So Help Me I’m Ready to Toss Everything

It is hot and I want to throw things. Every possession in my house seems to be radiating heat and I feel that most of it must go, mostly the parts that belong to the children.

I am sticky and ooey and gooey and hot. I can’t sleep, I can’t stop whining, and there is no way to get as naked as I want to be and still get the grocery shopping done. This is the only time of year that I envy Magoo’s freedom to sport a dashing onesie in public.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that Seattle is no hotbed of summer boilery but since 90 degrees is considered a heat wave here, there is also no infrastructure for the cooling, no air conditioning, no swamp cooler, no bathtub full of ice to spend the day in. I do have an industrial fan which blows the hot air around in a way that almost tricks me into believing it’s only EIGHTY-five degrees in here. The only problem is that it’s so bleeping loud that I have to turn it off every few minutes so I can hear myself think.

When it’s off all I can think about is how hot I am, how hot Dan is (HOT DAN!), and how much I want to throw all of my children’s belongings away while they sleep. I’m fractious people, fractious and antsy.

This house is full of things, things that need to be put away and things that should never be put away unless “away” is in a waste receptacle or happy meal box. Then the happy meal box should be put in a waste receptacle. There are toys the kids have never played with, loud toys the kids have played with so much that my ear wack is vibrating, toys with a million small pieces spread equidistant from each other in every cranny of the estate, toys that make Laylee do things she knows she’s not allowed to, and toys that are just butt ugly. I hate butt ugly toys… and sweat.

I hate sweat, which makes me more angry at the toys. I really believe that they’re sucking the cool from the air and replacing it with not-cool. I want to pull every toy and puzzle piece out of every room, closet and kitchen cupboard, throw them into the living room until they’re waist-high, let the kids pick 3 toys each and give the rest to Good Will.

Next I’ll throw away polyester, Tupperware containers with no lids, clothes that don’t fit humans (dolls prefer to be naked anyway), my New Kids on the Block cassette tape, cables and cords not currently connected to a working electronic device, and anything green that’s too weak to defend itself. Maybe purple too, but only if it isn’t gold-trimmed.

(Okay. For real I was kidding about NKOTB. But dude, everything else goes.)

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43 Responses to So Help Me I’m Ready to Toss Everything

  1. Amanda Regan says:

    Once you’ve done all that in your house please come & do mine I’m too hot to think about moving around let alone actually doing it.

  2. Theresa says:

    I live in the house with 2 packrats, and I feel like this most of the time!! (It doesn’t take 90 degree heat!!) Unfortunately, my 2 packrats are both adults, and I CAN’T take their STUFF and throw it away!

  3. I hear ya. This heat sizzles the brain into doing really wacko things.

  4. Millie says:

    I see this heat wave has made night owls of us. A bathtub full of ice sounds wonderful right now. I hear you about wanting to throw things – the more cluttery my house is, the hotter it feels.

  5. I have been there…and actually done that too! Hope it cools down before you really do decide to trash the New Kids on the block! aaaaaaaah! The thought!

  6. I feel that way about the rain. Where’s my Texas heat? It went to Seattle and we got all your silly rain instead. I’m wet. I’m moldy. I can’t get dry no matter what.

  7. Liz says:

    By all that is good and holy, get some air conditioning before you throw away the NKOTB cassette. This is an intervention.

  8. Farm Wife says:

    I get a little trash happy sometimes too. But not usually when it’s hot. Then I like to lay on a sheet on the floor in front of a fan & marinate in my own bodily fluids…as B.B. would say, “Eww Gwoss!”

    Have you tried freezing your unmentionables?

  9. Farm Wife says:

    And until the heat waves breaks, Just keep Hangin’ Tough!

  10. Karen says:

    I live in Texas and at the beginning of the summer, our a/c went out. Fortunately, it was only in the 80’s…which was just kind of balmy. Although about two days before we got it fixed (it was out for a month), it was in the mid 90’s. I’d have to seriously hurt somebody if my inside thermometer was still registering 95 degrees. I feel for you! One thing that helped me tremendously was taking cool showers in the mornings…maybe you could try that? Hang in there – it will cool off soon!

  11. Fluffychicky says:

    I so feel the same way about all my childrens’ stuff! They don’t play with half of the crap they have and then spend their spare time begging to get new crap. The only way I can clean out the old stuff it to do it while they are at school and then I don’t tell them because what they don’t know won’t hurt them (or my ears after listening to them bawl for two days about their favorite stuffed animal that they didn’t even remember that they had).

    Frozen unmentionables?! What if you were freezing your unmentionables and your freezer suddenly broke and you had to call the repair man and you forgot that they were in there and he found them? Would you just have to stare him down and say “Yeah, I’m so dang hot I have to freeze my undies or they will burst into flames?” I think that would be awkward.

  12. Kim says:

    Phew! Glad you were only kidding about the New Kids On The Block Cassette! I have four packrats in my house and three are minors. The adult packrat whines and whimpers when I threaten to throw out the box he “filed” his insurance info, HR info, etc. from a job he took almost ten years ago.

  13. Beth says:

    UGH. We are averaging over 100 degrees of late and I am dying. The heat has literally zapped the energy right out of me. So I can identify with you here. My kids ask me to go super bounce them on the trampoline and I get dehydrated with the mere thought of it.

  14. marcia says:

    I am w/ you my sister and I always use the expression ‘this heat makes my blood boil’ and all the moods that you can conjure up in your imagination that go along w/ that, Heat is bad heat w/ hunidity is a public hazard. Today w/ thw heat index (ie humidity) it supposed to be 107 —- stay out of my way!!!!!

  15. grammyelin says:

    I’m so sorry that you all are suffering, but who knew that heat could lead to a major purge? Maybe you need to come to Grammy’s and soak up the airconditioning and play with different toys for a while. Can you hold out a month?

  16. Jessica says:

    I am still toting around a NKOTB cassette tape AND a video tape. It’s priceless…a part of my childhood…I can never get rid of it. But my son’s junk…out the door! 🙂 I can relate!

  17. His Girl says:

    Not to make you feel worse but…
    THANK YOU!!!
    I also live in the Northwest and this heat wave has me sui-homi-cidal. When I got up this morning it was 80 degrees IN.MY.HOUSE!
    I’m with you…for what it’s worth!

  18. Jenny says:

    Oh, this was funny!! The comments were equally funny! I can totally relate to everything you said. Heat makes me grouchy… kids junk makes me even more grouchy. I really dislike Happy Meal toys and randomly toss them if I see them laying around (and usually no one notices)! Hope it cools down soon. NKOTB?? 🙂 I love it!

  19. heather says:

    we just made a few goodwill runs already this week! And then stuffed everything else into the hot attic- let it collect and share the heat up there.

    But then we don’t have prehistoric birds nesting in our attic, so it may not be a viable option for you! 🙂

  20. Stephanie says:

    Oh, Kathryn. Soon I will be there to make you feel all better…

    I can relate to wanting to throw everything away. Try trying to get your house ready to sell, knowing that you are going to have to move in 3 weeks. With 3 kids under 5 in your house destroying everything in their path.

    aaaaaaaaarrghhhh!!!!!I feel your pain. But I do have a/c.

  21. Heffalump says:

    Go to the coast…go directly to the coast. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, but get there (I am not sure how the weather is on the Washington Coast, but here on the Oregon Coast it is lovely, in the upper 60’s.)
    If you have any kind of shade in your yard, go outside and have a water fight with the kids (big sponges work great for that) or run through the sprinkler…
    This too shall pass.

  22. jk2boys says:

    It was way hot yesterday! If it gets that hot today I will have to go walk the mall (a/c). I need to get some shorts anyway (but it’s so hard to try on clothes with kids in tow).
    We are de-cluttering and we’ve got about 3 boxes full now (and at least 12+ more to go). I want to have a garage sale, but we live in an apartment. My husband just wants me to dump it all at the nearest thrift store. Am I wrong to want to make some money off all my junk (that I don’t use), so I can go buy more junk (that I might use). Why isn’t there a swap store? Well, I guess there are consignment stores, but I think they are all kind of expensive (for second hand). *sigh* I need to get rid of this stuff one way or another (for my sanity).

  23. Sketchy says:

    I do not have any NKOTB cassette tapes. I do have a whole set of those National Geographic card sets they used to send kids that are 20 years out of date. A complete set of the football helmet sundae holders they used to have at DQ – much cooler that the over collected baseball caps they also used to have at DQ. And best of all a comodore 64 and discs for said comordore. NO they are not mine. YES I would love to toss them, but in the name of marital bliss I refrain. But every summer I get that desire, and one of these years I will probably slip over the edge. I already got rid of his stash of Omni Magazines in one such cleaning frenzy. But don’t tell him – I say they got lost in one of our moves…

  24. Melissa says:

    I would invite you to come to my house (we have a/c) but we set it to 81… and I don’t think that would feel very cool to you… it’s 110 outside, so it feels great to us. Much better than last weeks 121.

  25. mother of the wild boys says:

    We have one rule for Happy Meal toys….They must never leave the car! This way the kids still get to play with them, but I never have to see them in my house! Plus, it’s a lot easier to toss them in with the misc garbage in the car….My kids usually can’t remember them enough to recognize when I’ve done a Happy Meal cleansing.

  26. cchrissyy says:

    you describe the torture of enduring a heatwave so well. last summer we were sweating and miserable, couldn’t sleep, we actually had to leave home and stay somewhere hotter but air conditioned for several days. It left scars too- when it gets hot in here, say 90 outside and 85 in, I get scared that we’re in for a repeat. it was horrible. I can’t describe it as well as you, though.

    thankfully, most of the time it’s 60 degrees and foggy. I assume it is for you too.

  27. Kimberly says:

    I have similar feelings. Often. Even when nobody else is hot, just me. ‘Cause yeah, I’m THAT hot. =P

    Thankfully heat sucks the energy out of my, or my kids (and hubby) would be toyless.

  28. Paige says:

    There’s a lot of that going around. I’m glad you put it so nicely. Now when my family asks me why I’m so dang grumpy, I’ll point them in the direction of this point, which explains it all in such a logical and well thought out manner.

  29. Come declutter my house – I have air conditioning 🙂

  30. jodijean says:

    chuck it all!! sorry about the heat, here in socal there is AC everywhere which makes me soo happy. i love that low humming that keeps me sane. plus aidan screams if he gets tooo hot so it really keeps me sane.

  31. Window Air Conditioner.

    Yes, it looks a little bit trashy in the window (we hide ours in two of our windows at the back of the house)… but oh! It is worth the $150 for the cool air.

  32. Poppa2b says:

    One great thing about Seattle is that it doesn’t stay above 90 for more than a few days. Last summer we set a record of 4 straight 90+ days, but about 3 a.m. the heat spell was broken so I don’t have to de-spider the window ac and install it. I did that last year and right after I put it in it barely went over 80 the rest of the summer. I think we will have a warm summer this year because it didn’t rain on the 4th of July, when that happens we usually have a warmer than normal summer.

  33. I saw that post about the ear wack before and I must have totally skimmed over that part…my 5 year old says the exact same thing & it cracks me up!

    You kinda scared me saying you were throwing out the NKOTB…no one should be hot enough to do such a thing 😉

  34. allysha says:

    Oh man, it’s a good thing you recanted about the NKOTB tape, because I was about ready to drive up there and save it! But I’m with you. Throw it all out. Or go hide in the refridgerated section of the grocery store for a few days (preferably by the Ben and Jerry’s). Then maybe things will be better. Good luck!

  35. Katherine says:

    Oh, but don’t chuck the Tupperware. You know you can order new lids for those, right? 🙂

  36. Shalee says:

    You would never make it in the South… except maybe in the winter.

    Hope it cools down quickly for you and your household items’ sakes. (Dude, keep the NKOTB. You’ll regret it if you don’t…)

  37. laianakay says:

    SOOOOOOOO with you… hate, hate, hate those little toys and hearing the kids whine that they need them when all they do is scatter them…hate that I feel guilty when I finally do discreetly discard several… hate that I have to do that… lots of hate for such inane little things… sorry… having a yucky day here… hope yours gets better soon too. hoping for cooler weather for you : )

  38. Heather says:

    I had an “Oh Dear Lord Forgive Us For Our Crap Collecting” moment a couple of years ago. The kids were screaming and shrieking as I made them take 50% of their toys to the van to take to the local abused women’s half-way-house for the children there. They were ticked and whispering revenge to each other. They sulked and ignored me. They cried abused tears. I filled the van and kept preaching the “you’ll be glad we did” sermon along with the “you’re spoiled” undertones.

    When we got to the shelter, I made THEM unload the toys. The director called excitedly to a little girl around five who came rushing out, bugged her eyes at all the booty, reverently inhaled all the air around her, and then… before touching a single toy… went over to my kids (8 and 5) and handed them the only thing she had to play with… a plastic iridescent STRING. She humbly said, “Here, you can have my toy.” My kids were amazingly silent and then said, with a smile, “Thank you!” The little girl rushed to the toys and dug in the bags with fury. Heaven.

    My kids were stunned. They flooded me with questions… one of them being, “What else can we bring over?”

    I smiled. I saved the little plastic string to be kept forever. God is good and teaches us in amazing ways! Be strong and vigilant to show your kids how indulged we are. Not necessarily “blessed” as I think our abundance of stuff can hinder and frustrate, can’t it? It does to me!!!


  39. jean knee says:

    Oh yeah you want to chunk that junk, but wait. If you get up to gather the junk to chunk you’ll heat up even more. Best just to look at the ceiling while lying in front of the 85 degree fan

    the feeling will pass

  40. Carol D says:

    The heat bothered me when I was young(er) but now that I am almost 58 years old (September 20) I can’t take it. For real – I get very ill. I need to be in the cool to keep from getting sick. The cold doesn’t bother me (but how much “cold” do we really get here on the gulf coast of Alabama??

    So, if the heat is bothering you now and you are under 40 – you have much worse to look forward to. Just make sure you have air conditioning when you get older!! You’re gonna need it!

    Carol D

  41. falwyn says:

    Having just come back to Tucson from vacation, I’m overwhelmed with a desire to leave again, AC or no.

    You won’t have to work up a sweat chucking stuff if you just burn the place down and start over. However, a raging fire might not help with the heat factor….

  42. Joy says:

    You crack me up – even in your misery! I so very much want to do that with our toys too. If only I wasn’t such a pack-rat… which is why I’m so tempted to comment on your giveaway toy toobs, but we really, really do not need more toys. (though those are really cool toobs and in fact, we have bought several of them but not the farm one… yet…)

  43. Emily R says:

    I’m so relieved you cleared up the NKOTB at the end. You must never lose that treasure.

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