Never Leave Your Kids Alone with a Nut

It could kill them.

Laylee has learned to shell her own peanuts by chewing the shell into tiny shards, spitting it all over my counter and then eating half of the peanut and dropping the other half on the ground.

I know very well from my pediatrician’s advice and the King James version of What to Expect that Magoo shouldest not cometh in contact with a nut or a nut product until he reacheth the age of two, lest he become a human incendiary device and explodeth into a firebomb of allergenic destruction and woe be unto him.  I think that’s almost a direct quote from the book.

He also has very few teeth and nuts are a huge choking hazard so I’ve taken great pains to make Laylee understand that there will be dire consequences for leaving peanuts around where he can get them.

Me:  Don’t drop the nuts on the floor!
Laylee:  Why?
Me:  Because Magoo’ll get ”˜em and they could make him very sick.
Laylee:  Why?
Me:  And he might even DIE!

So today, she’s actively destroying peanuts at the kitchen counter and Magoo attempts to climb up on her chair.

Laylee:  Magoo, NO!  You can’t eat peanuts because they’ll kill you…
[She raises her eyebrows and looks at me like a snooty librarian peeking over her reading glasses to say, “Boys, you should know better than that.”]
… and then you’ll die.

Her subtle warning is lost on the little jub who grunts and continues to pull himself up until she gently nudges him off to blam himself on the kitchen floor.

Five minutes later she asks, “Why will peanuts kill Magoo?”
Me:  [Because they’re sadistic, bloodthirsty and evil and they hate little round Jack-O-Lantern-headed boys.]  Because they are hard and round and they could choke him [to death with their bare hands].

Now peanuts are not the only things around here that have it in for poor Magoo.  He is also being ferociously hunted by walls, too long pants, and air currents.  He also needs to be protected from the shish.  I know, I know, I said that Magoo was going to kill the little shish, but it seems it may be the other way around.

This evening I walked into the livingroom to the sound of splashing and crunching, never a good combination.  Magoo had one hand in the fishbowl and his mouth was full of something blue and he was crunching away.  ACK!  JackAgain!  I rushed over and pulled from his mouth… some bluish aquarium rocks.  They’re round glass pebbles, big enough to clean easily and just the right size to block his airway completely if he breathes funny or tumbles off the couch, his preferred method of dismounting.

I'll get you, my shissy!Not good.  “No Magoo! NO SHISH!” I said seriously as I lifted him down and ran to get my camera.  I left the shish in place just long enough for him to climb back up so I could get this picture.  He looks menacing, but he’s the one in real danger, I promise.

In random CD news, can I tell you how much I am loving the Curious George soundtrack?  If I like it so much, why don’t I marry it?  Because I don’t believe in bigamy, and Dan has promised never to die, at the hands of a rogue peanut or otherwise… ever.  Thanks for asking. 

It’s like Jack Johnson is prancing through a sunny tropical jungle, when he comes across the essence of Simon, Garfunkel, Raffi, the early Beatles, and a kid-friendly Jimmy Buffet.  He bottles it, comes back to New York, gets some friends together and lays down a record one lazy afternoon. Happy, happy music my friends.

reasons: Laylee asleep with her arms outstretched completely trusting completely secure, the patio drenched in blue moonlight like it was lit on a soundstage

This entry was posted in kid stuff, near-death, parenting, shish. Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Never Leave Your Kids Alone with a Nut

  1. Hi, Kathryn… This blog post is very helpful.

    The previous one, Where the Boys Are, is absolutely great, too. You’re not only protecting your children from danger but also helping other parents with your useful information. Thank you so much. That’s why you’ve been chosen as the Blog of the Week. I hope you like it.

    Congratulations, dear… I’ll send you the html code of the logo soon. Have a wonderful weekend!


  2. Goslyn says:

    I love the pic of Magoo and The Shish. Love it.

    Once again, you crack me up. Although I am finding out that I must be the worst mother ever, because the Tominator (13 months) has been eating peanut butter (the extra-crunchy kind) for oh, four or five months now.

    Fortunately, it hasn’t caused him any problems.

  3. jeana says:

    I love that picture. Is it just me or does he totally look like his Daddy?

  4. chris says:

    Oh the photo with him and the shish is priceless. Too funny.

  5. Angela says:

    I love how Laylee keeps him safe from choking on peanuts while knocking him off the chair.

    And King James version? That’s FUNNY!

  6. grammyelin says:

    Oh, Man. I thought Jack Again was actually being consumed live. I was so grossed out that I could hardly read on to discover it was nothing but a bunch of possibly death-inducing river rocks. I guess the bowl will be finding yet another “higher, safer” place to live. Good luck with that. Magoo’s climbing abilities seem to increase in direct proportion to how high the Shish goes!

  7. I think the choking thing is why I never had kids- it just would totally freak me out. I could not have a moment’s peace and would wear myself out with worry. I bow to you, oh Daring Young Mom and all others like you… you are my heroes.

  8. Rebecca says:

    Ha. My middle kid is completely over vigilant with the baby, and today, the poor baby dared to pick up a pipe cleaner, which caused the Boy to scream “You’ll poke your eye out!”
    And yes to the Jack Johnson CD! My kids have been loving that all summer!

  9. Susan says:

    Actual conversation with my four-year-old:

    Me: Blah blah blah and then you’ll end up DEAD. That’s why.

    Charlie: Okay, but after I end up dead, can we play Candyland?


  10. Kristine says:

    I loved the Curious George movie. Not a surprise that the soundtrack is so good.

    Magoo and little JackAgain. Delightful. Too bad that little shish is dangerous.

    Have a great day (or die!)…love your blog

  11. Jess says:

    I LOVE The Jack Johnson Curious George CD!

    And watch out for that killer shish!

  12. jodijean says:

    i agree with you on the soundtrack. i don’t have kids (yet) and i listen to it constantly.

    poor little jack again and the battle with magoo

  13. Mary says:

    Could you BE any funnier? The interactions between Laylee and Magoo sound exactly what goes on in my house between my almost 3-yr old daughter and almost 1-yr old son. My girl and boy are opposites- Sugar never got into anything, but in a matter of days I had to pull fireplace gravel, a screw, and a roly-poly bug out of Sitnker’s mouth. Ew. SO glad Magoo didn’t eat the shish!

  14. Lei says:

    I am so lmbo at that picture. Caption: What are you going to do about it? Huh?!

    CUTE kid!

  15. I was just thinking the same thing as Jeana…Magoo looks just like the Daring Young Dad. Is it creepy that I follow your blog so closely I know who your kids resemble?

  16. Artemis Rich says:

    You know what shishes are? They’re the metal skewers you use to make shish kabab (in Armenian households anyway). I thought someone got skewered for a second! You scared me.

    Arabis is a waterlover too, only it’s the cat water dishes she gets after. I shudder to think what would happen if we a fishbowl. (Note to self: no fish until she’s at least five.)

  17. Sare says:

    Shish’s and peanuts sound almost as dangerous as MoreBulls–Marbles, in Loli’s (4-year-old) language. Thanks for reminding me that I need to kid-proof… older daugther is 4 and I haven’t had to worry for a while, but my precocious 4-month old is becoming dangerously mobile.

  18. You better look out with those two! They certainly keep you on your toes! The day they gang up TOGETHER is going to be a day you’ll never forget! Partners in crime, I tell ya! Good luck, you’ll need it!

  19. Becca says:

    The poor shish! What mortal peril he must live in, with such a threatening face hovering above. I think my favorite part about this post is the part where you said ‘No shish’! I love it when I start speaking their language.

  20. Neila says:

    That is priceless! Wouldn’t you love to know what was racing through the Shish’s mind when he saw the hand of a flailing toddler coming at him!

    I love it!

  21. Brony says:

    I love the photo! Great post as well!

  22. Jennifer says:

    First time commenter! I tested the nut thing when my son was one and we spent the rest of the day in the emergency room. He is deadly allergic to them now. I don’t know if he would have been otherwise, but I would suggest waiting as well!

  23. I love that picture. He’s like the male Darla in that pic, threatening the living daylights out of the shish.

  24. Daring Young Dad says:

    I think he looks waaaay more like a ninja or spiderman or something, not like Darla. Look at that stance! Look at that hand! The shish’s death will not be accidental!

  25. Stephanie says:

    In response to your title: Don’t I know that.

    Reenie is of course allergic to the peanut.

  26. edj says:

    Did you ever see A Fish Called Wanda? My advice is not to let the kid watch it…or that’ll be the end of the shish.
    At least you’re never bored…

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