Daring Young Mom

So Karli dropped by some chocolates yesterday to increase my health and my pants size. While she was over, she showed me a cool trick. If you hold a mirror up to your Betta fish, he thinks its a rival fishy and starts fritzing out. He puffs up and paces back and forth, eventually “attacking” the new fish by ramming himself into the glass. This is mean, but a fascinating experiment.

I woke up this morning and informed Laylee that I was still sick (its mostly in my lungs now and I’m totally grossed out by “hawking it up” so it may stay there a while. Dan has tried teaching me how to do this several times but I always end up gagging and yorching. I know, TMI). Anyway, I was smiling when I told her so she asked, “Are your eyes happy but your body is sick?” So cute. What kind of genius is she? Then she asked, “Can you PLEASE get better today?” Well, ma’am, I sure hope so but since I’m on day 4 I will at least try to go on with life as usual.

Here’s a quick meme for fun. I feel like I’m always the last to find these but if you haven’t already done it, let me know if you find any good ones.

Do a google search with your first name and the word needs all in quotes. Example: “Kathryn needs” Then find the funniest results. Here are a few of mine:

“Kathryn needs help with toileting”
“Kathryn needs to know ASAP”
“Kathryn needs to avoid to[o] great a consumption of these. Ostrich.”
“Kathryn needs James to help her win the Great Centennial Race because she needs the $50K prize”
“Kathryn needs to go down for her first nap 3 hours after wakening and go down for her 2nd nap….”
“Kathryn needs a husband to save her”
“Kathryn needs to be self motivated, organized and able to get on with a wide range of people of differing ages”
“Kathryn needs to have more chances to weigh in”
“‘Miss Carter, anytime Kathryn needs correcting, you just correct her.'”
“Well for starters, Kathryn needs relationships”
“All Kathryn needs now is another blind date”
“Kathryn needs your help!”
“Kathryn needs to execute her plan to stop the train very precisely, because if she miscalculates, she will be launching fully loaded freight cars all over the city.”
“Kathryn needs time in the sun.”
“Kathryn needs to run some errands or just plain get out of the house”

Amen!

I blow my nose.
Laylee: Did you do a REALLY BIG blow?
Me: Yep.
Laylee: Did you not do a median blow?
Me: Nope, that was definitely not a medium blow.

I bounce a large green ball on my head. This is cheap and easy entertainment from a mom who doesn’t want to move. Laylee has been playing independently and sweetly all day so I thought I’d give her a thrill. I hold the giant ball on my head like a big hat.
Laylee (with glee): You have a big fat man head!
Me: Yep.

But even funnier than THAT, if you can imagine such a thing, was a little blogging experience I had today. Blogging world and real world get muddled when I am unable to get out of my PJs. I switched from bathrobe to PJs and Laylee asked if I was “normal” now. I told Laylee that PJs means I’m half-way normal. Normal will be when I wear actual CLOTHES. She thinks flannel pants with strawberries on them ARE clothes.

One thing about Laylee – she makes me realize how over-rated business lunches were. I much prefer our conversations:
Laylee (smashing her bowl of Mac against mine with amazing force): Cheers!
Me: Cheers.
Laylee: Let’s do cheers with our cups.
Both: Cheers!
We eat a few bites.
Laylee: Did Sukee take it off again? (I think it’s a nursery rhyme we’ve been reading about putting a kettle on, etc. She often uses stories we’ve been reading as topics of conversation. Example — “O is veee-ry useful.” Hmmm. “If your name is Mixie Mox.”)
Me: Yep, she sure did.
Laylee: Is Bugs Bunny called a rabbit?
Me: Yes. Do you wanna say the prayer?
Laylee: No
Me: Please.
Laylee: Okay. Dear Henenly Father. We Grateful. Name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Me: Amen
We eat some more.
Laylee: Mommy, can you please wipe the mess off your face with a washcloth?
Laylee: Let’s watch the Wiggles.
Me: Why don’t we have a story marathon?
Laylee: I already got a bunch of 5 stories!
Me: Okay.
Off to story time.

Oh, so funny blogging thing. Today Blackbird posted a list of toys from the FAO catalog that she puts on her “wish list,” things she will probably never buy. It’s pretty funny. So I commented that:

“This is funny. My fake wish list also includes items my community association would have a coronary about, like the 8-foot inflatable front lawn snow globe I recently saw at Costco. It has actual fake snow that falls and then gets blown back up like popcorn around 3 giant bigger-than-your-mom snowmen. It is probably the tackiest thing ever (I’m not the best judge) but oh how I want it.”

She responded with this and I laughed for 10 minutes. I’m really not getting any better.

Check this out. Be sure to read the reviews underneath. It hits pretty close to home since Laylee’s ticket was randomly selected for increased security checks on the way to our summer beach vacation this July. “Okay, honey. Please remove your shoes. Can you stand like a starfish while I wand and pat you down?” They had to go through EVERY piece of carry-on for our entire terrorist family. Why not just focus on the bad seed? I mean seriously. The two-year-old is obviously the one carrying on the narcotics and hand grenades. No, no. I’m glad to see you dismantling the breast pump, laptop, carseats, toy bag and mini-dvd station as well. I’m probably hiding a nail file in one of them. Also, thanks for asking me what the breast suction cup was used for. Doesn’t everyone feel safer now? 🙂

Being sick with kids is pretty much the worst (okay, I’m exaggerating. I can think of lots way worse things but it’s definitely the worst thing this week…that I’ve experienced). They seem more full of energy and more in need of attention. They say your name over and over and over again but you can hardly hear because your ears are so clogged so you ask, “What did you say?” and they say, “I said mommy mommy mommy.” You say, “Did you need something?” They say, “No.” You say, “You just wanted to say my name lots of times?” Them, “Yep.” O….K. You hack up a lung and go for more tissues. This is pretty easy to do since Laylee has emptied an entire box next to my bed – for easy access, I’m sure. I hate whiny blogs so I think I’m gonna take a break right here and say something that’s been on my mind.

One summer when I was a teenager, I had a job in the kitchen of a summer camp facility. I had one bitter kitchen boss lady who swore like a sailor and ruled with an iron fist and yet was entirely adorable. We’ll call her Hazel, for purposes of concealing her identity from the law. Hazel hated……well pretty much everyone. Mostly she hated camp administration and an overweight guy whose name I don’t know because she always just referred to him as the fat guy-with-questionable-parentage (I promised my husband not to tell the FB story again with the real word once we had kids. I will tell it with a substitute foul name some other day.).

So when the camp administration was getting her down one evening and she was sick of ”˜workin’ for the man,’ Hazel came up with an evil plot. I was never really sure why she was so angry because she wasn’t nearly as good at explaining her feelings as she was at calling people bad names, but she always assumed that me and her other employees agreed with her fully and shared all of her gripes.

That evening she cornered me beside the industrial refrigerator.
Hazel: I’m sick of the way these people are treating us. If things keep on like this, we’ll get ”˜em. You’ll see.
Me: Uh…..
Hazel: No, I’ve got it all planned out. We’ll leave the gas running in the kitchen, light a match, throw it in and walk away. And I swear to you I will never, as long as I live, tell anyone that you were involved in this, ever!
Me: Um, thanks.

This didn’t really scare me at the time because I didn’t believe she had it in her to do it and it was mostly just sort of bizarrely funny. It also gave me a new expression. When I am just so DONE with someone or something in my life, I say, “I’m just gonna light a match and walk away.”

That’s how I feel about this cold — Just light a match. I’m done.

So, I hope none of you dragged your achey, cold-ridden body off the couch and drove with your two children to the post office today to mail your sister a copy of the West Wing episode she missed last night because you know what it’s like to miss an episode of the West Wing right in the middle of an election season, then dragged your sleeping kids from the car into the Seattle rain and up to the post office doors to mail the package.

Because it’s Columbus Day and they’re CLOSED. Yippee! He “discovered” America. BIG FAT HAIRY DEAL!

Why didn’t my husband get the day off to stay home and nurse me back to health? The only thing that will make me feel better about this is if some postal worker stayed home today to pass tissues to his wife while caring for his lovely-but-spastic children and their eating-disordered fish.

If you are that postal worker, please come talk to me after class.