Not Much to See Here

Well, I try to cover it up most of the time.

We are really working on our religious punctuality right now. We have been really working on it for… going on 4 years. We improve a little and then we improve not so much at all. Then we slide back to “pathetic” on the scale of on-time-itude.

This morning I’m getting dressed for church, pretty much at the last possible second before we have to leave, and Dan looks at me incredulously and asks, “Are you dressing for church or are you getting ready for BlogHer?”

Well of course I was getting ready for BlogHer but I was getting ready for church at the same time, you know? The multitasking. The poor man thought I was trying on all of my carefully layed out conference clothing items for the fun of it right before we had to leave. This is not unfathomable but today I was not guilty of such a crime against punctuality and reason.

Today I wore the black dress I bought for BlogHer to church to test it out for any possible “wardrobe malfunctions.” I am a recently weaned nurser and… well… these things need to be tested when little black dresses enter the picture.

I know what you’re thinking — you test dresses for wardrobe malfunctions by wearing them to church? Yeah. It sounds strange to me too, now that I see it on the computer screen. Never fear. Everything stayed where it was supposed to stay, even with the mega-weaner doing his best to free the entrapped victuals from their black shackles.

Posted in all about me, blogher, wardrobe malfunctions | 22 Comments

Shapes in the Clouds

Last night I saw a fat woman dancing ballet with her eyes closed in the textured ceiling above my bed. I blinked and she was gone.

Posted in Random | 35 Comments

Can’t Touch This

I like to get down, especially when I’m driving alone in my car. For that reason, I have not yet burned to the ground the radio broadcasting corporation that took away my favorite Seattle mix station and replaced it with a station called “Movin our-commercials-show-multiple-people’s-butts-shaking-and-bobbing-around-in-circles 92.5-FM.”

The station is REALLY hit or miss. One minute you’ve got some Nelly crap (no, not that Nelly) and the next, you get some sweet eighties dance tune.

On the way to Target this evening, they were playing some steaming-pile song, degrading women in general, yet glorifying those who walk around in daisy dukes and bikini tops… and they couldn’t even turn a rhyme… HELLO!! If you’re gonna rap over a bad generic Hip-Hop track about all kinds of skanky skeez, at least do it with some style. I still won’t listen to you, but at least I won’t call you out publicly on my blog.

So I ended up with Delila who instructed me to “slow down and love someone.” I personally like to love people very quickly because then I have more time to love more people. Please do not connect this paragraph with the skeez mentioned above.

In the parking lot, two girls were standing by their car, huddled up together and looking nervous. One mentioned to the other how fast her heart was beating and I thought, “I wonder if they’re meeting up with their internet boyfriends for the first time tonight. How exciting and scary. Does their mother know?” This line of thought brought to you by my viewing of the movie “Drive me Crazy”, starring that teenage witch girl, a movie which I attended in disguise, lest I be discovered by one of my film friends and mocked for the rest of my college career. Incidentally, this film also started a chain of events which landed me at a Backstreet Boys concert with sparkles on my chest and corn-rows in my hair.

On the way home from Target, I was lucky enough to catch MC Hammer doing his stunning rendition of his original classic You Cannot Touch This on the posterior-shaking radio station. I car-danced like it was my job, and at 9:00 at night, it basically is.

On my post yesterday, creatively entitled “Dude.,” Anonymous said “You get a lot of comments, so what exactly are you insecure about?”

I think it’s time I come out with the truth. I am insecure about the fact that although, like the great MC Hammer I am “dope” “on” “the” “floor”, I am not, however, “ma”-“gic” “on” “the” “mic”. There you have it. My rap skills have been slipping lately. We have yet to christen the new house with a real, no holds barred, Daring Family Freestyle Rap Battle.

I feel your collective gasp before it escapes your keyboards and I am ashamed. If I ever find the Karaoke machine in the 6’ high stack of boxes that is my living room, I will remedy the situation. Then? Once I’ve brushed up on my skeelz on the microphonizzle, insecurity… she will be gone. Until then, it doesn’t matter how many comments I get or how many times Laylee bolster’s my confidence with questions like, “Mommy, can you please use some covering-up makeup? You have some red spots on your face,” I will remain insecure.

Posted in all about me, around town, driving, rap battles | 20 Comments

Dude.

After reading some of your comments, I asked myself out loud, “Did I ask everyone to come out and tell me how much they like me? Did I sound like I was whining and trying to figure out a way to get more comments?”

Dan says “Yes.”

Apparently this — “It didn’t exactly work that way for me. I’m currently having a hard time getting more weekly hits than Chris’s old blog archives,” sounds very whiny. Reading it over this morning I’d have to agree. What I meant as I was blogging late last night was that my mind is boggled by Chris’s ability to keep readers on an old blog that she hasn’t posted to for weeks. She is a force to be reckoned with.

Um, sorry about that. I usually pick Tip Tuesdays based on things I think we can all relate to or would like advice about. I have gotten several emails from newer bloggers asking me for tips on how to increase traffic to their blogs. I’ve also read several entries from great bloggers who are threatening to quit due to lulls in traffic.

I was hoping we could brainstorm and all learn from each other. Truth be told, I’m continually in shock at how many people read and comment here on a regular basis. I get more feedback from smart funny women than I ever imaged when I started blogging 11 months ago.

Carrie mentioned that it is a good idea “to NOT DEMAND COMMENTS. If you blog to get comments but don’t get any, something’s wrong with what you’re writing. It’s not comment-able.” She’s right. I often read great posts that ARE comment-able but I’m just too lazy to comment or don’t have anything useful to say. I am a major lurker and I think that’s fine.

I’m sorry if I annoyed you guys by asking for comments today. I really thought that having people tell how they got here would be sort of fun and instructive. You are more than welcome to read any time and not worry about commenting. I can take it.

Angela left a comment about bacon, which of course caught my attention immediately. She is a major blogging guru of mine so I’ll repeat here what she said:

“I honestly believe the blog thing is SO hit and miss. When I write about bacon and brown sugar, I get a ton of hits and comments. When I write about my life? Not so much. It’s a strange world out there. (I’m still coming to grips with the fact that people love bacon more than they love me. I smell good too, damnit!)

Then again, I don’t think the traffic and comments are as important as the actual exercise. I’ve made this analogy many times before, but I think it bears repeating: It’s a crime for children to participate in poetry contests. The important thing is that poetry is being written. And some of it is completely amazing. The gold medals and certificates don’t mean a thing, and if a lack of recognition makes one child stop creating, well, it’s a travesty.”

That really struck a chord with me. The exercise really is what’s important, getting my thoughts out there, having a creative outlet and feeling good about what I’ve written. It makes sense and it’s true but it really is hard for me not to wonder or care about readership.

Part of that stems from the fact that I’m working to transition to a professional writing career. If people aren’t reading or commenting, what chance do I have of successfully finding someone to pay me to write?

The past several months I’ve been working on not taking personal validation from how many people are reading and commenting. It’s similar to a struggle I had early on as a mother, where I found myself defining my self worth by how often others told me how cute or polite Laylee was. They’re both roller coaster rides not worth taking.

So what are your motives for blogging? What got you started? (Please feel no pressure to answer these questions. 🙂 )

Posted in all about me, Blogging, tip tuesday | 49 Comments

Tip Tuesday — If You Blog it, They Will Come

That’s the theory, right? You set up a blog, type out the deep secrets of your family-life, the inner-workings of your soul and thousands of people around the globe will flock to read your wit and wisdom.

It didn’t exactly work that way for me. I’m currently having a hard time getting more weekly hits than Chris’s old blog archives. So how do the Finslippys, Dooces, Fluid Puddings and Very Moms of the blog world do it? Where do all the readers come from?

First, every one of those women is a fabulous writer, with great insight and often amazing humor. So, start writing like an amazing professional and you may eventually be able to quit your job and blog for a living. Um… if I can’t even take my own advice, I’d better come up with some better tips than that.

Here are a few ways that I’ve met the awesome readers/friends that I’ve found through my blog.

1. Blog on a semi-regular basis. The more consistently I post, the more my readership grows. There is a certain level of awesomeness which you can attain where people will keep coming back every day or keep you on their bloglines just waiting and hoping for a morsel of your dulcet prose but I’m definitely not there yet. Whenever I take a break, it takes me a while to remind people that I exist.

2. At least once a week write a post that doesn’t consist of whining about how much your life sucks, how gross your kids’ bodily functions are, how insensitive your husband is and how all your friends are jerks. Sorry. Pet peeve.

3. Unwittingly create a scandal. If you don’t remember this, I’m not linking to it here. (Oh, and it only works if you create the scandal by accident so good luck with that.)

4. Read and actively comment on other blogs. I found one of my favorite blogs when I left a comment for Alice and Surcie followed the comment link to my site.

5. Register with various blog listings and directories. (Okay, I don’t believe this really gets you any readers but it’s a good time waster and they look so pretty all in a row on your sidebar.)

6. Make the summer end so the internet comes alive again. (Please don’t do this until after August is over.)

If you have any great ideas to get more readers, please leave them.

Also, please delurk and let me know how you first found my blog. I think this will give us all a good idea of how in the wide web we REALLY find each other.

Posted in Blogging, tip tuesday | 80 Comments

Pants That Fit

This post originally appeared at The Parenting Post on July 10, 2006

pants_that_fitHigh School reunion or the big conference.

This has never worked, not once. In fact, what I usually end up doing is staring at the clothing in rage as I eat ice cream with a you’re-not-the-boss-of-me expression on my face. Oh, no. Those Eddie Bauer pants were not the boss of me, which is why I had to return them for the same size I’ve been wearing since a year into my oh-so-comfortable marriage.

I love Dan, but it’s really hard to lose weight when someone is constantly telling you how hot you are. (Note to Dan: This is not an invitation for you to “help” me lose weight. Please continue telling me how attractive I am at any time you feel the need…starting…now.)

With my own clothes, it’s pretty clear that I buy the wrong size because I’m not happy with the way I am right now. I want to use them as a tool to force weight loss. It’s not even that I see my “potential.” It’s honestly more of an intense dissatisfaction with no real plan to institute change.

So I started thinking about my pants and my kids and my kids’ pants and wondering, what does this all mean? Possibly it means I am a shopping nincompoop. I hope it doesn’t mean that I will forever be planning my kids’ lives 2 stages ahead of where they are now, pushing them to grow up or change. I hope it doesn’t mean I’ll never be satisfied with who I am and with who they are at this moment in time.

Why can’t I just buy us all pants that fit?

Dan says it probably just means I am aware that children grow and I’m trying to plan for that inevitable occurrence.

Posted in all about me, aspirations, parenting | Comments Off on Pants That Fit