Shopping in Juniors

Although we are far from “junior,” my sister and I made a run through the gauntlet of the Juniors department at Kohl’s recently. We were looking for shirts and sweaters and started in the Misses department but found that Vera Wang discriminates against women who have butts and whose breasts do not resemble those of an emaciated teenage boy. We found Vera Wangs, granny sweaters and everything in between but nothing was just right so we headed to the weird department.

In general, my size precludes me from shopping there at all but every once in a while I find an XL with my name on it. Pants are completely out of the question. Not only am I unable to fit my rear into any of the pants in juniors, NO ONE is able to fit their rear into any of the pants in juniors, not their whole rear anyway.

All of the clothes in Juniors seem to be made for a person with a 4 foot long torso, a 3 inch tall butt, and legs with the circumference of spaghetti sticks. The person must also be averse to consuming anything but unsweetened lemon juice. The current designs are mostly made up of faux vintage 80s rock star attire and pink and black items with skulls and crossbones on them. I am not a pirate, an 80s rock star, a misshapen freak of nature, or a 65 lb anorexic runway model interested in displaying plumber bum. So the pickins were slim.

We did however each find a normalish sweater we liked if we were willing to tolerate the brand names “Say What?!” and “It’s Our Time.” It struck me that each of these brands could also work in a senior citizens’ department, as in, “Say what, Sonny?! I can’t hear a word that’s coming out of your mouth.” Or perhaps a slogan for Depends, as in, “It’s our time. Why let embarrassing leaks stop us from doing the activities that are important to us?”

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9 Responses to Shopping in Juniors

  1. I have the exact same experience in the Juniors department. It’s even worse when you’re short. That means you can shop in petites–which apparently goes under the assumption that if you’re short you are also 80 years old–or you can buy pants that fit your waist and bag three inches around the ankles. Juniors pants are even worse than “misses” pants. They are super long. Like teenagers are actually taller than grown women? I don’t get it.

  2. Emily says:

    I have also browsed through the Junior department at Kohls with similar results. Sounds like you and your sister had a blast!

  3. helloheather says:

    This might be your funniest post, EVER. You have such a way with words!

    (Long time reader, infrequent commenter)

  4. meg says:

    Oh sure. give me the adult diaper sweater. I prefer to think of Goonies and 10 year old Sean Astin giving that speech. Then again, we are getting up there in age. it’s only a matter of years now.

  5. Kork says:

    HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!! I have had so many similar experiences I cannot begin to describe…

    I have actually found I have better luck at Target or JC Penney than Kohl’s, but oh, how fun it is to laugh at what you find in the Juniors department of stores!

    My latest find that I was hideously appalled, yet strangely amused by? A “special occasion” dress displayed right at the prominent corner that was a slip (you remember having to wear those under your skirts and dresses right???) that was barely long enough to cover the important parts, overlaid with some sort of vintage-looking lace that was only about 1/2 an inch longer than the dress, with cute little puffy cap sleeves, all in slightly-darker-than-flesh colored polyester satin. All in all, I would rather go to Victoria’s Secret and pay that dollar amount for a pair of underwear than for a scrap of a dress, no matter HOW good my body looked!

    Thanks for making me chuckle this morning!

  6. Pam in Utah says:

    Um, have you tried applying for a job as a comic television show writer/producer recently? -Bcuz- I am VERY sure you’d make it into the running if you did… Smileyface repeatedly repeated.

  7. kirida says:

    If you’re willing to drive down to Seattle and aren’t afraid of used clothing, I have found awesome deals at Buffalo Exchange in the U-District. Their clothes are young, but not too young that you feel like you’re dressing up for a Hannah Montana concert. It’s youthful, college feel with brands like Express and The Limited with XL sizes (yay for me!).

  8. Haha hilarious. Department stores should read this 🙂

  9. “NO ONE is able to fit their rear into any of the pants in juniors” hee hee.
    the junior’s dept is weird. i think it’s partly weird because it shows me how far i am from being a junior. 🙂

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