To the Future Mothers on the Bachelor

I like a lot of you. I don’t know you. I don’t readily admit to watching your shenanigans and exploits. I just happen to catch the show every Monday night at 8pm PST completely by accident. You are not super-real to me but just real enough I thought I’d write you all a letter on the internet, from one mom to a group of future moms who are, like, so ready to be moms.

First off, Jason doesn’t plan the dates. When he takes you out in a blimp, a jet, a parachute, a helicopter, a largish kite, shoots you from a cannon, or in some way takes you soaring to new heights with a view of the world you’d never imagined was possible, he is not the mastermind behind the experience. He has a team of PRODUCERS PLANNING EVERYTHING FOR HIM.

When you’re married, the team of producers will no longer live at your house, feeding him lines, starting the campfires, decorating his mansion and making every moment perfect. Jason will likely change back into a normal human male, a human male with a 5-year-old son whom he loves more than you.

And it’s not that heating up your own Papa Murphy’s while desperately seeking a vegetable to feed the child and then trying to get him in bed early enough that you’ll still have energy left for quality time with your shmoop isn’t fun. It’s just different. He will likely never shoot you out of a cannon or write your name in the sky again, at least not on weeknights. He may ask you to do his laundry though.

Secondly, nothing prepares you for motherhood, not watching shirtless Jason on TV playing with his son, not holding your friend’s kid until it starts to squeak ever-so-slightly, not obtaining a college degree, not “getting all the partying out of your system,” not even being hosed down with boogers and diaper fillins for 6 months straight while someone screams in your ear at the top of their lungs. Nothing prepares you. I’m not sayin’ it ain’t wonderful because it is. You’re just not, like, so ready. No one is.

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41 Responses to To the Future Mothers on the Bachelor

  1. Jana says:

    And lt me add to this, nothing can prepare you for being the step-mom. Nothing can prepare you for the jealous ex-wife who watched you every week be wooed by the former love of her life and listened to you refer to yourself as the childs mother. You may learn to love the little guy with all your heart, but he won’t really be yours and you don’t get to decide much except what he eats at your house, and even then, your husband really takes control of that. I speak from experience (except the part about being watched every week. That didn’t happen to me).

  2. They should make them all sign this as a clause to doing the show.

  3. allysha says:

    Even though I never watch the show, this is VERY funny. Thanks.

  4. You rock. I love coming here.

  5. Theresa says:

    I believe I’ve had this conversation with a few ladies.

  6. Pam in Utah says:

    These “reality” shows aren’t that big on reality, are they. I think I saw the 5 minutes you did, and I laughed at your so ept appraisal of the situation.

  7. TJ Hirst says:

    You tell them! I’ve only seen the previews but I can see by those that maybe a little more “reality” needs to set in for any true success.

  8. Tay says:

    Those poor girls have no idea what they really want, I think. As soon as the ex sees how silly that girl is, it ain’t gonna be pretty.

    you have written what me and the husband talk about whenever we catch a minute of that show LOL

  9. Stephanie says:

    That’s funny.

    I’ve seen all the previews, and even thought about watching that show. You’ll have to tell me how it is. 🙂

  10. Janel says:

    Ha! So good! It kills me how on these “reality” shows, the girls act like total freaks to get the guy who actually isn’t doing much work at all on their behalf.

  11. CoconutKate says:

    I, like, totally agree! Did none of them have a real childhood where they remember all the stuff that goes on in a REAL household? Just wondering.

  12. Emily says:

    I wish you were my neighbor. So, so badly.

  13. Rebecca says:

    I love that last line.

    By the time we’re ready, we’ll have grandchildren.

  14. Heather says:

    A resounding amen, sister. A-stinkin-men. I mean, if I were to accidentally stumble upon this show every single Monday night, this is exactly what I’d say.

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  16. Whitney says:

    I am in COMPLETE and TOTAL agreeance with this post.
    I wrote a similar post on my blog yesterday!

  17. Alyssa says:

    oooh! I loved this! Sooo true!

  18. suzanne says:

    I just wonder when they watch this show played back in five years, are they gonna say “OMG….did I really say/act/look like that?????”……….I love what you’ve said. It’s the show I hate to love. It’s like a slow motion trainwreck. I cannot turn it off until the whole mess collides!!! AAAAcCCCKKKK>


  19. Lei says:

    Man have I missed reading your blog! You never disappoint! R.O.F.L. You paint a very accurate picture my friend!

  20. Erin says:

    You so rock.

    I have a 6-year-old and a 4-year old and I’m pretty sure I’m still, like, so NOT ready for motherhood.

    Just sayin.

  21. I totally agree. We could never prepare enough for motherhood. It can get really crazy, and it will really stretch out your patience. I have dealt with tantrums, breath holding spells, and the list can go on. However, it has really made me a better person. Wish you all the best.

  22. Rachel says:

    I had a good friend, mother of a big ole brood, once tell me, “You’ll never be ready for marriage or motherhood or any big committment in life. You just have to be willing.”

    She had a great scripture that said the same sentiment, but she told me it long before I was actually near any of those things so of course I don’t remember it. But oh boy do I say that to myself a lot now as a mother and wife. I just have to be willing.

  23. Jennifer says:

    Oh, amen sister. Well said.

  24. bananas says:

    talk about a BUZZ KILL! poor innocent little dearies.

  25. Rena Gunther says:

    Excellent….well said.

    I thought I was prepared after first 15 plus years.

    Then I had Sophie–my tubal-reversal baby.

    And my life has been turned upside down. I lost my rule book…

    And as far as step-parents go…I have been extremely blessed with the man God blessed me with. My two oldest daughters call him “Joedaddy”. I don’t think he could’ve loved them more if they were his.

    However, I can say with certainty that NOTHING prepared him for being their “Joedaddy”. Many obstacles were in the way. It hasn’t always been easy.

    BUt heck…it ain’t easy now with 18, 16 and 2 year old daughters.

    I’m thinking there’s way more reality going on over here.

  26. Becca says:

    True that. So true, like so totally true!

  27. Brenda Hurst says:

    Girl, you tell it like it is . . . . And how in the world can those women be so in love within a two- to three-week period that they have to sob on national television? They make one wonder what their REAL lives entail . . .

  28. Racer says:

    I would like Chris Harrison to read that before the next rose ceremony. Or since, you know, it’s pre taped, at the “After the Rose” show.

  29. Becca says:

    I couldn’t agree more – this is just so so true!!

  30. Nora says:

    Like you –so addicted, and the DH. Even tho’ he hates to admit it. Week before last with the sneakiness of Megan and the “sickly” Shannon, I wondered if Jason stood there at the rose ceremony wondering why he was willing to go through with the whole thing. “If they are this emotional and needy and pig-headed now, what will one of them be like when we are married?” DH just laughed, ‘cuz I can be like that so often. I guess this coming Monday the bachelorette who dumped him is supposed to make a come-back saying she made a mistake. Hope I can get dinner and FHE done earlier than this past Monday so we can actually watch it Monday w/o feeling the guilt of not doing our essential stuff.

  31. marlise says:

    The producers should totally hire you to write a waiver and disclaimer for all the contestants to sign, though. You are spot on with your wise comments, and those are lessons the girls need to learn. I just hope some of them read your blog.

  32. bee says:

    Oh, I’ve missed you so since my Bloglines went to pot and I had to start from scratch rebuilding my bloggy reads. (She says while copying/pasting your URL to her Google Reader). This is right on. The last paragraph will keep me laughing all week long! Or, at least, until the next girl is kicked off and cries into the camera “I was SO ready to be a mom to Ty!” Sweetie, I have a 2 year old and an almost 6 month old, and I’m not ready to be a mom to either of them!!!!

  33. Kathy says:

    I love, love this. I’m still waiting for one of the girls to have enough self respect to say “I’m just not that into you and I don’t want a rose.”

  34. You totally got me with “not even being hosed down with boogers and diaper fillins for 6 months straight while someone screams in your ear at the top of their lungs.”


    That’s my life. 🙂

  35. Dude. I am like, so with you on this.

    I have no idea why my Tivo keeps recording that show. I’m sure I hit play by accident…

    Brilliant pop culture critique, my friend!

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