The Family Shopping Trip

I woke up this morning feeling slightly less plagued by the raging viral plague of death than I have for the past few days, feeling so well in fact that I even showered, wore clothes (of a sort), went to the gym and did some grocery shopping. It was a glorious day to be half alive again.

There was only one problem with today. The sun was shining. That might sound like a good thing but not to a family of little vampires. My kids are so used to the cloudiness of the northwest that on bright days like today Magoo walks around with his eyes squidged shut and one hand out in front of him yelling at me, “The sun is ON! Turn it OFF! Turn it OFF!” His little pale face winces and he slams into things repeatedly because he refuses to open his eyes.

Today as we walked out of the gym, he clutched his beloved Dixie cup of goldfish, the kind of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers from Costco that they give out at the gym that taste so much better than the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers from Costco that I have at home. The sun was on and so was Magoo’s self-induced blindness. After a few steps he tripped over an air pocket or more likely a sunbeam and fell flat on his face where he lay immobile except for his pouring tears and quivering lip. I ran over.

Me: Are you okay, buddy? Where does it hurt?

Magoo: My… my… my… MY WISHIES!!!!!

Laylee: It’s too late buddy. They’re all covered in GERMS!

Me [picking the crackers up off the concrete and dusting them on my stretch pants]: Nope. I think we caught them just in time. Look. These wishies are perfect!

Magoo [pointing to the last goldfish, lying under a car tire]: But I want THAT ONE!!!!

Me [hesitating and looking at Laylee’s raised eyebrows]: Uhhh… I think that one’s all covered in germs.

He clutched my hand and his rescued wishies and hobbled to the car sniffling and catching his breath. Oh the HUMANITY.

Then this evening we headed out to the grocery store, Laylee dressed in a lovely sheer pink flowing dance skirt over stretch pants a different shade of pink and a floral shirt in yet another shade of the beloved color. She topped this ensemble off with a pink parka, pink light up shoes and she’s never looked lovelier.

As we were headed into the store, she tripped on her skirt in the center of the driving lane of the parking lot, went down on her knee and started wailing like a banshee who’s just banged her knee on the pavement and is now screaming about it while blowing an air horn. I tried to calm her but she would not be calmed. I tried to stand her up but her legs were like limp painfully-loud noodles. I tried to carry her but I was holding a purse and my cloth grocery bags (did I mention I’m helping Al Gore save the planet?) and Magoo’s hand and she’s too darn heavy. And the screaming. So I did the only thing I could think of, which was to attempt to frighten her.

“Laylee get up! We’re right in the middle of the road and some car’s gonna come along and smash us flat if we don’t move!”

At which point she made no reaction at all but Magoo, well Magoo crumpled into a heap on the ground, dropped his lower lip farther than it had any business being dropped and joined in bawling a minor third below Laylee’s remarkable bellow. Tears were streaming down his face as he choked out, “I NO WANNA GET SMOOSHED!” He would not budge.

So I tried to pick them both up, failed miserably and then did the only thing I could do, knelt down right there, dropped my purse, stroked their hair, looked for cars and laughed my guts out. Literally. I no longer have any guts.

This entry was posted in family fun, kid stuff, near-death, shopping. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to The Family Shopping Trip

  1. Sounds like a highly successful day, because no one did get smooshed (did they?) When we were getting ready for church on Sunday my 5 year old came out in a springy dress belonging to her almost 9 year old sister. I sent her back to change, she came back with a lovely black velvet number, over the top of the springy size 8 dress. I sent her back to try again, she came out again with a lovely purple dress over both the other dresses. It finally took her dad telling her how lovely either of the last two would look before she’d consent to wearing just one dress.

  2. Fawndear says:

    Glad to hear that you’re feeling a wee bit better. I myself have been bowing before the porcelain throne today and needed something to smile about. Your adventures of mommy life are, as always, in full Technicolor and in Stereo Sound description. Next time, pull out your camera, and threaten them with a video. Nah, just keep doing what your doing, because you are doing an awesome job.

  3. Mary says:

    It’s good you lost all of your guts for a good purpose. I hope the rest of the shopping trip was successful!

  4. grammyelin says:

    Oh, the humanity – indeed. There is nothing worse than splattered goldwishie guts. Unless it is smooshed children in the driving lane. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed in the morning!

  5. Carmen says:

    Ahh, young fashion. Don’t you wish it was that simple? My daughter has some hair peices that my mom bought her, then my husband bought her some more. They are the ugliest purple curly mess you have ever seen. She wears her hair straight and then just clips one in the back willy-nilly. They have both gone out in public with her like that. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it yet. I guess they are better people than me. Oh well, we all have our issues, and we all find ourselves face down on the pavement a few times a day…week…month looking for that wishie under the tire. I think maybe it is easier to get up once you have laughed all your guts out.

  6. Summer says:

    Just one of the many reasons I stopped shopping with kids long ago. In fact, my hubby does all the grocery shopping these days and I am so fine with that.

  7. JenDub says:

    All you can do at that point is laugh…because it is pretty funny really. (as long as there was no true smooshing that is)

  8. allysha says:

    Oh, I so can see that exact same scenario playing out with my kids. I’m glad you laughed. It made me laugh, too.

  9. Beth says:

    This was fabulous! I’m sitting here thinking to myself…I need to read Kathryn before I go off to school. Thanks for the terrific laugh! I have certainly had errand trips like this one. You are such a good sport with your kids.

  10. I guess it’s true that there must be opposition in all things. You get over a cold, and there’s bound to be goldwishie trauma and invisible potholes all over town! Thanks for your humor. I hope you don’t mind lurkers on your blog (me previous to this confession). I’ve really been enjoying your writing.

  11. Karen says:

    I’m not sure which part of this was my favorite. I guess all of it. Hope you’re feeling even better today, friend.

  12. Ali says:

    It was me. I brought you the nice sunshine. I am visiting my parents in Portland from NC. NC is the land of sunshine. I just can’t have too much rain. So your welcome.

  13. Oh my goodness! I’m sorry for the day that you had, but it did make me laugh (just a little). Thanks for sharing! 🙂

  14. falwyn says:

    This — is a brilliantly told story. Sometimes you just have to laugh.

    Though I live in perpetually sunny Arizona, my son has the exact same reaction to the sunshine in his eyes. Oh the weeping and wailing! Perhaps it is the age? 🙂

  15. Goslyn says:

    Oh, I’m laughing so hard I think I coughed up a lung. The Seth Monster and the Tominator are just about like that too. Oh so funny.

  16. Stacy says:

    That was a great post. Thank you for helping me know that I am not the only one with kids that cry in the middle of the street at the grocery store. AND thankyou for the amazingly correct use of the word “LITERALLY”….that website would be proud of you. – Stacy

  17. Ree says:


  18. Caryn says:

    Awww. The poor things. Oh, how they suffer!

  19. Kris says:

    You are so funny. The description of Laylee’s scream was the part that really made me laugh out loud!

  20. jenn says:

    seriously, laughter keeps us sane! without the laughter we would scream and be full of utter anger and frustration!

  21. Jen says:

    My Oregonian kids are the same way about the sunshine we’ve been having lately. When my 1 1/2 year old sees it spilling in through her bedroom window in this unaccustomed fashion she claps her hands in front of her face and shrieks “Eyes! Eyes!” as though she’s going to be struck blind by all this gosh-darn brightness. Glad to hear my kids aren’t the only ones who are highly suspicious of excessive sunshine.

  22. Jen says:

    OMGosh you totally crack me up. Don’t you just love when a teensy little, well placed, well intentioned bit of drill sargent blows up in your face and makes things 10 times worse! LOL

  23. Jen says:

    And I also think it’s funny that you attract blog readers named Jen. *snort*

  24. nan says:

    Oh, boy, you took me right back there! I used to dress my two older boys in overalls, for ease of hoisting during times of shopping crisis. (you know how overalls come with a nifty handle in back?) I wish I could still do that, but at 9 and 8 I think they would object.

    As a wise friend of mine once said: “Hey, ya gotta either laugh or cry. I choose to laugh, and those who think I am mad are sad, sad people.”

  25. heidi says:

    Thank you so much for making me laugh. And not just a chuckle, but a full on belly laugh. I needed that this morning because you may be seeing me on the news in the near future for mauling my kid. just kidding. sortof. no really kidding. i hope. just kidding. wow, I could do this all day.

Comments are closed.