A Homeopath is Running Loose in my Neighborhood

My awesome new biologist neighbor has been teaching me all sorts of interesting things about gardening, healthy living and home décor. She took me on a tour of my backyard introducing me to all my botanical friends, makes the most amazing organical foods and I plan on stealing several of her decorating ideas for my house, which has an identical floor plan to hers.

She is kind, listens to Laylee talk for hours and I recently found out that she practices homeopathic medicine as a hobby. I’ve always loved the word “homeopath” because in my world that’s how you would make a contraction of the words “homicidal” and “psychopath.”

I was coming home from the doctor the other day where I’d gone for help clearing up my randomly swollen eye and my neighbor told me to come over so we could come up with a natural remedy.

I tried the antibiotic drops for one day and found no change. So the next day I walked next door to Dr. Nat for some advice. She looked up my symptoms in a big fat book, packaged up some remedies and materials in a ziplock, wrote down instructions and sent me home with the strict advice not to use any chamomile, tobacco, alcohol, or mint while doing the treatment, not even toothpaste. (No whiskey-flavored Colgate. Check.) I was also not to touch the herbs with my hands or with metal utensils.

I followed all her instructions exactly and the sty was gone in less than 24 hours so I broke down, pulled out Old Bessy and whipped up some minty fresh breath. When I woke up this morning the sty was back but in the OTHER eye! I am being smitten by the Homeopathic Gods Against Oral Hygeine. Have you ever heard of the HGAOH? They’re big players in the Tarter Wars. They’re for it.

So now I’m left to choose whether to continue to look like a cyborg or knock Dan out with my halitosis.

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20 Responses to A Homeopath is Running Loose in my Neighborhood

  1. Nantiemeg says:

    Ok, so I have to say I’m loving the recent blog titles. Sorry to hear about the eye. Can you use baking soda for your teeth? it won’t make you minty fresh but could get rid of the worst of the stench.

  2. slawebb says:

    They actually make non-mint toothpaste especially for those using homeopathy. Go to your health food store and take a look. I know Wild Oats and Whole Foods carry it. tom’s of Maine makes one and Peelu makes another. The Tom’s of Maine is apricot flavoered which I have to say is kind of weird. When all you’ve ever used is some kind of mint toothpaste, fruity toothpaste seems wrong.

    I totally believe in homeopathy. You should really talk to her more about it. Learn more about it for yourself. It is amazing stuff. Works better and faster than anything else I’ve used.

  3. Sketchy says:

    OK all of the post is funny, but the title? HILARIOUS…just needed to say that.

  4. Chris W says:

    You wouldn’t want to share that stye recipe would you? I suffer terribly from styes. Ugh.

    This made me laugh out loud: “I’ve always loved the word “homeopath” because in my world that’s how you would make a contraction of the words “homicidal” and “psychopath.” “

  5. marian says:

    No chamomile? The only way I’ve ever gotten rid of styes (sties? stys? styz?) is to soak the eye with a warm, damp chamomile tea bag.

  6. boomama says:

    Oooooh – if I had that neighbor next door to me? I would put her in my pocket and take her with me to the local organic market so that she could tell me all the healthy things I needed to buy and then give me detailed instructions about how to cook them. And I would be so happy.

  7. heather says:

    it tastes nasty but it does the job- baking soda and water for toothpaste.

  8. sarah k. says:

    I third the baking soda. Or even just a toothbrush sans minty-chalky formaldehyde laden paint (what was that book? I know I read a book once that listed all of the freakishly scary ingredients in commercial toothpaste.).

    I’m doing a poll about something unrelated to oral hygeine, could you pleeeese come answer my question?

  9. Shalee says:

    I’ve always thought the same thing about “homeopath”. It’s just an odd, twisted word… But your use is funny as snot.

    I’d take my chances of downing Dan with your (sing it with a Mary Poppin’s voice) super-chronic-halitosis-expi-ali-dotious… and get rid of that sty once and for all. THEN go back to the minty fresh stuff. But Heather’s advise is right on the money. It is nasty, so have some coffee or Dr. Pepper or cinnamony apple pie nearby to “freshen” your mouth. Hey, you do what you have to do in the name of love.

    Besides, when else are you going to have a chance of KO’ing Dan without breaking a sweat or having any files charged against you?

  10. Jan says:

    How funny! You crack me up. Wish I had a homeopathic neighbor.

  11. Kismet says:

    Cinnamon toothpaste perhaps?

    My mother in law uses a natural recipe to rid herself of a sty also, she heats a rock and rests it on the sty.
    Don’t ask me where she came up with it but that’s what she recommends.


  12. Stephanie says:

    You got another one? Lame-ola! I am sorry friend.

  13. Andrea says:

    I vote for knocking Dan out with the halitosis.
    What a cool neighbor.

  14. Kimberly says:

    Okay, as the wife as an eye doc, that all seriously scares me! =P C’mon, what are the symptoms? Let Dr. Kim diagnose you!

  15. I suggest Close Up, which is cinnamon, or a baking soda toothpaste, or something from a natural foods store. I’d rather have bad breath than a painful sty! Even brush my teeth with just water and a tooth brush before dealing with a sty!

  16. bee says:

    I would love to have a neighbor like that. Imagine the savings in copays alone!

    I say KO the hubby…just for kicks & giggles!

  17. Lindsey says:

    How COOL! I wish I had a Homeopath for a friend or neighbor. My friend drives 3 hours to see hers, and does the rest of the consults by phone! Wow!

    I was embarassed when talking with her, to pronounce it “HOH-mee-oh-path-ee” and in the next sentence, she said, “hoh-me-AH-pah-thee.” I kept saying it wrong the whole conversation! And I still forget the “right” way to pronounce it!

  18. JD says:

    This makes me GIGGLE! Thanks for the laugh needed it!

  19. I got a little nervous when I started reading your post. I was a biology teacher (before I became a SAHM) who is interested in alt. medicine, including homeopathy. I can drive my friends nuts with my suggestions. They are always supportive and up for a good laugh. But your post was a hilarious take, from their point of view. Thanks!

  20. grammyelin says:

    Neither option sounds too good to be, as I LOVE Dan and HATE styes (??? sties, styes…whatever) I really do Hate them, I just can’t spell them.

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