Leading the Witness

My sister Meg recently came to town for a whirlwind trip of throwing fish, photographing tulips until our cameras begged for mercy and spoiling of the niece and nephew.

nantiemeg2One night we were driving around town listening to Delilah on the radio. Now I’ve talked before about the like/mild annoyance relationship I have with her. On the one hand I think “Who is SHE to solve everyone’s problems and choose songs for them? What an emotionally manipulative cheese ball!” On the other hand I often find myself crying when I listen to her and thinking, “I can’t believe I’m crying but that totally obvious bit of fortune-cookie wisdom was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard all night. Waaahhhhh.”

So I listen and roll my eyes and periodically decide to secretly take her fabulously benign advice and change my life forever. That said, I have never been even remotely tempted to call in to her show… until now.

Meg and I started talking and our feelings towards Delilah must be genetic because they are nearly identical. We would laugh and alternately pause, eyebrows furrowed, nodding slowly, “Yeah… man… she’s really got a point with that one. (wiping away an almost real tear) I should totally, like, go for it and hold on to the people I love because I, like, totally love them and seize the day and stuff.”

At some point, we got to joking about how she leads people to say things that fit in with the songs she already has cued up so she can whip out The Most Perfect Song Ever!

Delilah: She sounds like a WONderful woman.

Bobby: Yeah. Dude.

Delilah: But things weren’t always easy, were they Bobby? Sometimes it must have been chilly for her to stand there supporting you from behind while you received all the praise, never feeling the warmth of the sun of success on her own visage.

Bobby: Yeah. Dude.

Delilah: Would you say that she has been somewhat of an upward force in your life, pushing you to greater heights?

Bobby [noticeably moved]: Yeah. Dude.

Delilah: What a gift in your life Bobby! Is she sort of like a blast of air under your outstretched limbs, helping you to soar and achieve more than you ever thought possible?

Bobby: I hadn’t thought about it that way before but, like, totally.

Delilah: Okay Bobby. I’m gonna find the perfect song for you and your mom.

Cue: Wind Beneath My Wings

That’s leading the witness!

So I dared Megan to call into the show and lead Delilah to dedicate a specific song to me without ever mentioning the name of the song. Our choice was Because you Loved Me by Celine Dion, a song I’m sure Delilah never leaves home without. Here is our plan:

Meg: Thanks for taking my call Delilah. I totally love your show (this is true abooouuut 40% of the time.).

Delilah: Who do you love tonight Meg?

Meg: Well, actually I’m calling in about my sister Kathryn.

Delilah: Why is Kathryn so special that you felt the need to get on the ol’ phone tonight and tell the world about it?

Meg: Well, we recently lost our pet hamster Chippy to a stroke. I was a total wreck, no strength left and she was able to be there and be strong for me when I wasn’t able to.

Delilah: Oh. Don’t we just love our little animals? Chippy sounds like a really special little guy too. Would you refer to him as a type of “hero” in your life?

Meg: Of course but let’s get back to Kathryn. Besides her strength, she’s also a great orator. Sometimes I was so sad, I couldn’t even get words to come out of my mouth so I would make rudimentary signs and she would interpret for me.

Delilah: She was like your voice?

Meg: Exactly.

Delilah: When you couldn’t even speak?

Meg: Right-o. I also have really bad night blindness and when I’m driving around town, she will sit beside me and tell me about hazards in the road so I can avoid them and not get into any accidents.

Delilah: That doesn’t sound very safe but I’m so glad you have someone to be your eyes out there on the road. Buckle up, K?

Meg: Always Delilah. I’m writing this down. Anyway, even when I was a complete punk to her and treated everyone like dirt, she would still compliment me on my cute lip gloss or just find anything that was good about me to love.

Delilah: I’m sure there are many wonderful things about you Meg. You have such a loving heart to even call in and do this special special thing for your sister. I think she’d be very proud of you right now.

Meg: She is proud and tall. I’m only 4’6” tall and when I need to reach a can from a high shelf in the pantry, she will actually pick me up so I can get to it. She just really believes in me and I just don’t know who I’d be without her love. I really think I am who I am today because of how much she cares about me.

Delilah: Meg, I’m gonna think of a perfect song for you and your sister to listen to tonight as she’s lifting you up to get a glass from the cupboard. Remember to have your future pets spayed or neutered and have a wonderful evening.

If Meg successfully keeps a straight face and we are victorious, we’ll move up to level 2 of the operation. It’ll be my turn to call in and convince her to play Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer as a dedication for Dan.

Me: My husband really loves to work on projects around the house. He’ll just stop everything he’s doing when I need him to hang up a picture and get out his hammer and spend time helping me. I just want to hug him so tight and say thank you but he has a major aversion to human contact. He’s an amazing man but I really can’t touch him at all.

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36 Responses to Leading the Witness

  1. Amanda says:

    I love it!!! That is hilarious. I think you should do it! I feel the same way about her show. It oozes with cheesiness, yet I find myself at times almost moved to tears.

  2. oh, y’all are too cute!

  3. Big Mama says:

    I too have a like/mild annoyance relationship with Delilah, yet I can’t turn her off. It’s like a sickness really. This whole post just cracked me up and by Can’t Touch This, I seriously was laughing out loud.

  4. De-Li-Laaaaaaaaaah.

    Thanks. Now I can’t get the theme song out of my head.

    😉 Michelle

  5. glittersmama says:

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Love someone tonight…

  6. Melessa says:

    I have a similar relationship with Delilah myself. I had no idea her show was broadcast in the PNW. You all seem way too smart for her antics. She’s a staple here in The Bible Belt.

  7. heather says:

    I’m so going to laugh when someone sends the blog link to her and she plays your songs for you just for fun!

  8. Jeana says:

    Love it! But hark! A possible glitch in your plan is the line with the shelf–it could possibly tip you in to the “You Raise Me Up” vortex which is rather hard to escape. You might want to alter it slightly:

    “She is proud and tall. I’m only 4’6” tall and when I need to reach a can from a high shelf in the pantry, she will actually pick me up so I can get to it. BUT SHE DOESN’T LIKE THE MUSIC OF JOSH GROBAN AT ALL. She just really believes in me and I just don’t know who I’d be without her love AND OUR SHARED DISLIKE OF SINGERS WITH CURLY HAIR. I really think I am who I am today because of how much she cares about me AND HOW WE HAVE BONDED OVER THE YEARS OVER THE FACT THAT WE WILL BOTH BREAK OUT INTO HIVES IF WE HEAR A SONG BY SOMEONE NAMED JOSH AND THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP IT IS A GOOD SALINE SOLUTION. SAY, SPEAKING OF CELINE…”

  9. Mary says:

    Buckle up, K? Wahaha

  10. sarah k. says:

    Kathryn, you light up my life.

  11. Angela says:

    I have been a HUGE fan of Delilah since several years ago when a 15 year old boy who sounded older was bemoaning the seperation from his FIANCE and Delilah was really into it and then it came out that they were “seperated” because her mama caught her on the phone after curfew and she was grounded from him for a month. I seriously had to pull the car over while my brother and I completely lost control laughing. That woman can handle anything, how can you not love that.

    This plan sounds great—lifting your sister up to reach a glass almost made me spit on my computer.

  12. Nantie Meg says:

    Bwahhahha haa!!! I’m making the call Saturday (like tomorrow!)!! I’ll be rehearsing and call you before I actually do it. I’ll be sure to have my tape player ready to record so that this night can go down for posterity! and I will also transcribe the whole thing and post the transcript on my blog. he he he, I am so excited!

  13. Shalee says:

    Dare you to actually make the call!! (And tape the whole thing too!)

    And yes, I have the same like/annoyed emotions for her too. But then, I think of all the crap there is in the world and suddenly cheesiness looks good, especially with wine and crackers.

  14. HAHAHAHAHA spit cough Hahahahahaha gufaw oops.

    That was me. Reading this post while eating oatmeal. Laughing so hard it spewed all over my monitor.

    I HATE Delilah.

    My son totally loves her. 11 years old and he’s hooked. Listens to her every night.

  15. Carrie says:

    That’s a fabulous plan! You guys must go through with this.

    But I have to hate you a little now, because I’m sitting here and can actually hear Delilah’s voice in my head. It’s disturbing.

  16. Abby says:

    If you can fit Chippy the hampster and night blindness into one phone call you are an even more amazing women than I thought!! Not to mention the fact that you lift your sister to new heights. 🙂

    Too funny!!!

  17. Cheryl says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, my side hurts….this was great… Thank you! 🙂 🙂

  18. Bethany says:

    Great idea, I hope it works. But WHY OH WHY did you have to get Celine Dion’s music stuck in my head??!!

  19. Mary C says:

    Oh my word. You are hilarious. Love it.

  20. Stephanie says:

    You are so funny! We are laughing. At first when you mentioned, “can’t touch this” for Dan, I thought you were going to lead into the whole “not wanting to be touched after being touched by kids all day” thing.

    Laughing. Laughing at your you-ness.

  21. Kimberly says:

    The other commenters said it all. Just wanted you to know one other gal out there was snickering and giggling like mad.

  22. Cleo says:

    Oh my gosh, that is tooooo funny!!! She says the same stuff to everybody, which annoys me. I wonder if I could think of something half as funny to say….but I’d burst into laughter and give myself away :(. I might make something up, tho…I’ve been reading your blog since I came across a few things inashoe posted for her Kid Karnival that you wrote about Laylee and Magoo. You are too funny and hopefully my gramma can tape your first apperance on national televison. I doubt it will be your last. 🙂

  23. Jana says:

    That is too great! Laughing out loud! 🙂

  24. Jeana, you are hilarious and dead on. You know she keeps Josh Groban in a flask in her front coat pocket. She would whip him out in a heart-beat. Thank you so much for this priceless advice.

  25. Lei says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I totally remember “Delilah” and her Barry-White-alter-ego voice. You two are completely hilarious. HILARIOUS!

  26. LainaKay says:

    okay, i’m stuffing my mouth with popcorn and laughing until i cry with this post! thanks for the laughs. i feel exactly the same way about delilah!

  27. Aileen says:

    This was so sweet!! I laughed!! 🙂

  28. Gina says:

    Oh my gosh, Kathryn! I am STILL laughing! You two are hilarious… I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face even IF I was Delilah! That is so awesome about her relating that you pick your sister up to fetch things from the cupboard! That is just good stuff!

    I feel that way about Delilah too, BTW…

  29. Eve says:

    This is my favorite post to date besides the whole Dan at work and Rock garden thing. HILARIOUS! Laughed so hard I couldn’t do my special fake laugh and my dog thinks I’m crying!

  30. SURCIE says:

    You made me cry. Seriously. Because I was reading this at around midnight, on my bed, in the dark, with my sleeping husband next to me. So I couldn’t laugh. I cried, starting with, “I would make rudimentary signs and she would interpret for me.” Hilarious, K.

  31. RGLHM says:

    Thanks for the much needed laugh. I wasn’t LOLing I was HOWLING!!! I am going to laugh for weeks. I will never be able to listen to her show without killing myself.(laughing)

  32. grammyelin says:

    And this, my firends is MY WORLD as the mother of Heather, Kathryn, Adam, Meg and Beckla. We never got through a dinner without cracking each other up. Sometimes there was “horkeling” – you know, where beverages shoot out of the nose? But – – – I was NEVER bored!

  33. Jennifer says:

    HA — I don’t even listen to Delilah… but I was laughing out loud at this blog! Too funny…

    Found you from Rocks in my Dryer… bummer I missed you on TV today.

  34. Mrs. Nehemiah says:

    this blog alone might boost Delilah’s ratings for a month!
    Mrs N

  35. kittyhox says:

    Okay, I never say this. But you caused me to “lol.”

    I wish I had a sister. You two sound like a hoot.


  36. KYouell says:

    On my first day home alone with 2 kids I actually managed to get them napping at the same time. So I could read blogs! So I come here, I read this, and have to stifle every giggle and guffaw as to not wake the kiddies… do you know what that does to my c-section stitches? Cruel, cruel, funny, funny woman!

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