God Knows We’re Lost

It’s coming up on two years since Magoo was born and I still struggle with anxiety and depression issues originally triggered by his birth. My brain hurts from thinking about my brain. I’m tired of wondering what constitutes chemical deficiency and what is just normal for a stay-home mother of 2.

I go off medications. I struggle. I get back on a dose so small I could swear it was a placebo amount and suddenly the people around me are a little less annoying, I’m slightly more likely to do the dishes and less likely to wake up in a panic with no idea why.

When things were really bad at the beginning, I came to a point where I said I would be willing to do whatever was medically necessary to function and take care of my family, to alter my brain back to the way it was before the crash. I said I would take medication for the rest of my life if necessary. Now that the post-partum period is almost up, I want to be DONE with brain meds. I want my old brain back. It wasn’t always sharp and sometimes it was a tad twisted, but I could trust it.

I recently told my therapist that I didn’t want to go on anything at this point because that would mean I was “depressed”. She asked the logical question, “Do you think taking medication will make you depressed?”

“No,” I bawled, “It will make me NOT depressed.”

There you have it. And what’s so bad about that? The dependence, the fallibility, the HUMANITY, the admission that yet again God doesn’t chose to heal me instantly but provides a humbling way for me to be healed by relying on other people and medical advancements.

The other day Laylee and I were on the way to the therapist’s office and I got lost in a construction detour. I said a few faux naughty words and Laylee asked what was wrong. When I told her we were lost, she said calmly, “It’s okay. God knows we’re lost. We’ll find it.”

I believe he knows I’m lost. I believe he cares I’m lost. I believe he will help me untangle my steaming pile of grey matter. I’m not at a point yet where I always understand his methods or even pretend to know what they are.

For the next 2 weeks I’m going to do everything I physically can to stave off the next round of brain science. The sleeping. The exercising. The meditation. The prayer. The water. The breathing. Then we’ll see. We’ll try and then we’ll see.

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59 Responses to God Knows We’re Lost

  1. Aunt Murry says:

    In this sea of comments, know that I am 42 (I suspect I am old enough to be your Mom), I have been on the meds for years and it does get better. When I tell people I’m on the drugs, they say “I never would of guessed” and I reply “then they must be working.” It took me a while to realize I needed the drugs full time all the time. You’ll get there honey and I hope that you don’t need them for the rest of your life but if you do, you are not alone.

  2. Tigersue says:

    I told my husband awhile ago that the depression is like a glass wall around me that nothing can penetrate. The past three weeks have been wonderful. I felt the most like myself since Abbie was born. Now I’m on another downslide. What keeps me going is knowing it will pass that I will get better.
    Hugs and hang in there!

  3. Misty says:

    I think, also, an option you need to look at is that you might, just maybe, need to stay on your meds.

    I am happily married, to a man of 8 years, that has some mental illness. And that is exactly just what is is………… an illness, it does not define him, it’s a heath problem he treats.

    We belong to the same church – – and there have been some excellent articles in the last couple years about mental illness, and the need for understanding it, taking the stigma away. If our kidneys go – it’s a chemical imbalance, if a person has gal bladder problems – same thing. I have ulcers – chemical imbalance as well……….. You struggle with depression and anxiety – – same thing – chemical imbalance. It took my sweet husband years to realize that this was a health problem that he has, that it can be treated, he can feel well, and have no shame. And THAT is ok, too.

    Some times we just have to let things be. Needing meds to feel alive and well isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially when you look at the alternative.

    Don’t you think?

    You’ll find the solution. There’s a lot of power is realizing that, as much as we desire, we can’t magically will our bodies to cure these chemical imbalances we have. I’m grateful for the medications out there that have made a way for my husband to be just and you and I – – SANE. With out them, he’s probably be dead. Truth.

    Good luck to ya!

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  6. Heather says:

    I don’t have anything wise to say, but I’ve been in places similar to where you are now.

    You have my love, respect and prayers.

  7. Ann says:

    Here’s how someone once explained it to someone I loved, who just didn’t get it, and I bless this boy everytime I use his analogy. No one would ever dream of telling a diabetic to pray about it and have faith that Heavenly Father will heal you, you don’t need the drugs. Depression is an illness (or whatever category you prefer), medication is necessary, along with lifestyle skills. You are doing all you can, and it’s working, be thankful you have found what works, many don’t. I know how much you don’t want to have to be of all evils “dependant”, none of us do, but the alternative is too devastating. From one who understands completely, I feel your pain and I support your wonderfullness at doing something about it! I wish you hope and security!

  8. rachel says:

    I could have written this post after my son was born. Don’t you just love the wonderful ways our bodies start to turn on us when we have children.

  9. Rachel says:

    This works for me- Each morning, I give yesterday a rating, 1-10. If I never have a 9-10, I am overmedicated. If I have more than 10 days below 5 in a month, I need to make some adjusments.

    You have to make peace with your meds, one way or another. It isn’t permanent. Few things are. You can always make changes. Remember that you heal other people daily in your work as a wife, mom (and blogger :)). It IS humbling to rely on someone or something. There is nothing wrong with being “healed by relying on other people and medical advancements.” This experience makes you more compassionate and therefore, better.

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