So I’m new here, in this town, where I live. You know? The move and such? Many of my good friends have moved out of state recently or just gotten lives or something. I’m starting to make new friends slowly. I’ve met some amazing people whom I’m getting closer to, but friendship is largely proportional to time served.
I have not served hard time with any of these people yet and you can’t bond over one 10 minute park date. So yesterday afternoon, some girls from my new church congregation found my address somehow and came over to say hi.
I was excited and mortified. I was wearing my sweats and hadn’t showered. The house was insanely disastrously filthy. I invited them in because, for the love I want friends and here two people were on my doorstep, but I was totally chest-crushingly embarrassed at the state of my house. It was one of those “How can people live like this?” kind of days.Â
So I told them it was a “project” day. I was making curtains and sewing Laylee a new “poof” since hers recently had a run-in with a carton of chocolate milk and a long stay in a plastic bag hidden under the stroller in the back of my car. Color me shocked. She didn’t like the moldy black polka dots.
Some days are for cleaning and some are for projects and, I said, “Today is a project day.” They were really nice and one of their sons even peed on the wall of my bathroom to make me feel better (his mom cleaned it up, by the way.).
But when they left, I couldn’t get over my feelings of self-doubt. Karen wrote a fabulous post recently about not conforming to other people’s expectations of what our priorities should be and not expecting them to conform to ours. I loved it.
The problem is, I’m not even conforming to my own expectations for myself and I don’t think they’re too lofty. Clean up the dishes at least daily. Bathroom scrubbed once a week, laundry done before you have to go out and buy all new clothes, being at least vertical to say goodbye to Dan-O in the morning, etc.Â
I had a while where I made excuses because I was in a post-partum-funk (to put it mildly) and then I had the moving excuse. With the girls yesterday it was the “project” excuse, but at this point it boils down to priorities.
After things crashed when Magoo was born, I had to re-evaluate my perfectionist expectations, give myself some slack and be sure to take some time for me. Now I’ve gotten high on the slack pipe one too many times and I’m having a really hard time tightening up the right garter straps.
I reorganize the pen drawer instead of putting away the junk on my counter. I clean out the toaster, rather than rinsing the breakfast dishes. I make a tutu to avoid hanging towel rods. I read instead of calling up new friends. I blog but don’t work on my book.
I feel like neither a good wife, mother, homemaker, writer, friend, organizer or Kathryn right now. I just hate the feeling that I could do better but I’m not and I spend days like today working my absolute butt off, only to realize that each layer of work reveals 50 more that I hadn’t thought of yet.
There are many people who are frustrated with me right now and I’m at the top of the list.
Kate- You are one of the most amazing women I know. I think we all get into that habit, where we know there are things we should do better, but just can’t seem to bring ourselves to do. Those days are tough. I wish there was some way I could tell you to bring yo uback to feeling on top of things, but I don’t even know how to get to that point. I love you though, and I am so glad that you are back to being yourself after the PPD. Be happy and call me sometime, even if I am at work. I’ll still pick up.
Love you!!
I can relate. Today was a project day for me too, but still I look around and think I really ought to get things done in a more efficient way and not have so many clutter piles and messy corners…grrr
Hang in there! So glad the child peed on your wall! I’m sure it helped a lot! grin
Mary, mom to many
Oh, crud, I do that, too.
And as far as I can tell, avoiding the “maintenance” stuff in favor of the “project” stuff somehow magnetically draws people to drop by unannounced.
Now I’m off to clean the crumbs out of my toaster– thank you so much, I hadn’t thought of that yet.
I understand – and then you feel like you’ve been working all day long and don’t see any results. Keep plugging away.
If you get good at making those tutus I know a guy that could sell them for you.
Woman, I feel like that all the time…And I have no one coming to my door with a welcome wagon. I just get to enjoy the mess alone. It’s a great thing isn’t it? This self-doubt.
When I go to other people’s homes I’m secretly happy when things aren’t so clean. It makes me feel not so alone in the world. You were probably doing these ladies a favor.
I hate days like that, everything seems to pile up and look so large and impressive that I just can’t get over it.
But you will.
I was always a person who got stuff done, maybe not perfectly, but I got stuff done and checked off the list. Now with a toddler, I get very little done, and yes it bugs me. Forget getting dishes out of the sink and into the dishwasher, sometimes I don’t brush my teeth until 3pm or I fall into bed not having had a bath that day. I keep reminding myself this is just a season of life and I will remember it as having been all too short. And, I surely know that for as crazy as it is with one, that dealing with two can send you over the top. You’re not alone in this craziness that is motherhood.
Wow that is exactly what I felt when I walked through my house this morning. I’ve been organizing and cleaning and cooking all week and yet I look at my house and its still a disaster and I feel like I’ve been doing nothing. I mean its already thursday. And it just so happens that 2 girls from my congregation are coming in an hour to visit too.
Cheer up. We do the best that we can. A perfect house does not mean a perfect life and realistically there is no such thing as the perfect life so beating ourselves up when we do not attain it becomes self-destructive and takes us away from a more fulfilling path.
“I’ve gotten high on the slack pipe one too many times” – that is classic DYM. Describes it perfectly. It really is so hard to define what is the perfectionism that will kill us and what is the “divine discontent” that will really help us do better. I’m quickly coming to the conclusion that I don’t just have “project days” I have a project LIFE. The best advice I’ve ever received at a time when I was on my own case was, “Take it five minutes at a time and be kind.” And when I can do that – live and work in the NOW instead of thinking of all the should do, will do, didn’t do, can’t do, it gets so much better. The nest thing to know is what Antique Mommy said – you’re not alone.
I feel ya. And I have no doubt that you’ll figure it out.
“high at the slack pipe” — oh yeah! I have a picture of us all sitting around in the basement a la “That 70s Show” and talking about all the stuff we didn’t get done today.
My house is in the above described description. I think it says a lot for you that you swallowed the embarrassment and put people first. At this point, there would have to be a flood or fire before I’d let anyone through my front door. So, I’m going to stop reading blogs and go clean. But I wanted to say—for an endless job that has few tangible benefits and is grossly underpaid–there have to be days of just hanging out at the water cooler talking about Britney and GeorgeW. It has to happen in order to keep some semblance of sanity and tolerance for the repetitive nature of motherhood.
I’m so the mom cleaning my child’s pee off of your wall. Lovely.
Ah Kathryn, hugs. I am in a very similar place right now, so I totally feel your frustration. Take it one day at a time. It will be ok. Time has a way of smoothing everything out.
And I’m glad some ladies are reaching out to you. Moving to a new place and leaving behind friends is so so hard. I’ve been here three years, and I’m STILL trying to make more than a few friends.
So what if the house is a mess and it’s NOT a project day? Then what? Because I need to know.
I’m so happy that kid peed on your wall. Seriously. Not because I don’t like your wall, but because it’s a comforting thing when other people’s kids aren’t perfect all of the time.
And the tutu? I want one. For me.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, DYM! I totally understand where you’re coming from–I am constantly measuring myself and my house and my lack of housekeeping skills against my spotless and organized friends. And most days I would rather eat something they would serve on Survivor than have people drop by unannounced and see our mess. But you know what–I think we need to make peace with the fact that life with small children is very messy and cluttered, and when they are grown we will be a little wistful that they aren’t home to create those messes–or at least be around to blame them on! Hang in there. You are definitely NOT alone!!!
I thought every day WAS project day… That’s what I tell myself so when the ironing pile has reached over my head, the refrigerator is filled to the brim with containers that should be acid washed or thrown away or my flowerbeds are filled with everything but flowers. Oh, and I still have to get up and go to work.
These blue days are nothing but empty fillers for the great days that you have ahead. And try to remember that you are not called to be Super Anything. You are called only to be the daughter of The King. And that, after all, makes you perfect despite your not being a perfectionist.
Kathryn,
I am surrounded by friends that keep their homes very well. I am not now, nor have I ever been a good housekeeper. I am even now breaking my cardinal rule of 3 days and reading “my blogs” before I load the dishwasher and put in a load of laundry. Remember a move is among the most stressful things that someone encounters. Not to dismiss depression, but very stressful events (no matter how good the result is eventually) always deserve a little (or a lot) of time devoted to projects and just getting personally grounded and settled. I am sorry for the embarassment…just wanted you to know I can TOTALLY relate…been there, done that, been mortified, and guess what? I’m still not “reprioritizing” fully to avoid future embarassment. You’ll definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh, phew! I’m not the only one who feels that way!! If I was in your area, I’d so run over to your place (not caring how organized or not it is) and give you a big hug.
If I counted the weeks since I was social with people outside my family (at something social that I PLANNED to do), … oy. Let’s not be depressing.
How did Laylee’s poof turn out? The new one, that is … not the moldy one. (Thought I’m sure that one was turned out.)
The whole month of July was devoted to my morning sickness –now it’s almost September and I don’t have that excuse anymore, but my house wouldn’t know the difference.
Like it’s been said –you are definitely not alone. And I wouldn’t be surprised if both of those women that came to see you felt like they were walking into their own homes. 🙂
Don’t dismiss the depression, you may not be completely out of it yet. It can still take several months to improve.
As for me, I can’t even say it is project day that keeps me from cleaning. I also have two big kids that can help do the work and I don’t have the fight in me to keep nagging about what they know needs to be done on a daily basis. That doesn’t help them or me out, I’m just plain worn out.
So seriously–do the tutus come in Big Girl sizes? After you finish Heth’s, will you make me one? Pretty please?
So this may not make YOU feel any better, but it sure as heck makes ME feel better that there are others out there with a similar self-loathing for things not done, while having myriad reasons/excuses for not doing them. New sand-box in the backyard=new sand in the house, in every crevice, in every pocket. New baby shortly to arrive=belly that gets in the way of things like doing laundry or exercising, or picking up anything that is below knee level. It’s really hot=why get up off the couch where the fan is pointing at that giant belly?
I just think of the time when, once again, I will have no one to clean up after besides my own dear self, I will have energy to shower and leave the house at least once a day, I will be able to stand for more than 15 minutes without excrutiating back pain, and I will be able to wear normal-people clothes.
But I still get mortified when anyone shows up unexpectedly and sees the pile of wadded-up dirty diapers on the kitchen floor that I just can’t take out to the trash.
this is like my LIFE kathryn; i totally know what you’re saying. no advice here, just that i totally know what you mean.
I don’t know if it’ll make you feel better, but the first time my new VTs came over, the house looked like it’d been run into with a bulldozer. They were polite but cautious as they tried to find a place to sit not covered with toast-and-peanut-butter crumbs. I wanted to die. Now whenever they come over, they gush about “how nice the house looks!” I don’t know which is more embarrassing – the “ewww, look at her gross house” or “wow, she’s making such great improvement!” when they just caught me on a really bad day. They’re both younger than I am so it’s especially goading. Been there…
I loved Chilihead’s comment and I need a tutu to go with my new housecleaning tiara.
I agree with sassy lime, this could be my life you are describing. We’ve all been there, some of us are still there with you. I keep telling my husband my problem is perfection, he looks at me like I’m crazy. I know he is thinking how can you be a perfectionist, you don’t DO anything to be perfect at. Actually he is great, I just really beat myself up for both of us. Small baby steps, that is my goal.
I think or at least like to think that all of us mothers have days like this, and it’s always nice to hear when they do. It makes us feel better. If it were me, I’d still be in my pj’s and so would my kids. Don’t be so hard on your self. We all had days like that, and even though I know that, I still try to make excuses for it when people see it. At leat it was a “project” day and you were planning to do things, heck I wish I could sew, I have a sewing machine, and it would make halloween and a lot times so much easier.
Side note, my friend made herself a chore chart, so each day she had some part of the house to do, and then had sunday and one other day a week off from cleaning. I have made a chart, and slowly trying to implement it, so I don’t have to find myself have to madly clean the whole house on one day.
Hi DYM:
Saw your link on Tanya’s blog – I’m a Cdn transplant in the Seattle area, as well, and spend a good portion of my time feeling equally as frazzled.
Cheers!
It’s such a relief to know that I’m not the only one that feels this way! Maybe that’s the solution….knowing that other people feel the same way as you and that there is no perfection allowed in real life. But, if there is a secret out there to keeping up with my relatively low expectations that I don’t know about, PLEASE share!
Like most of the folks have said, you are not alone. I feel like ALL I do after work in the evenings and on the weekends is spend my time catching up with the daily stuff and NEVER getting the projects done. I have to take vacation time and still send the kid to daycare to get projects done. And then three months goes by and it looks like I’ve never touched the filing, organized a damn thing or touched up the paint around our new house. I’ve yet to hang a picture or nicknack in the 15 months we’ve been in the place. (Granted Sofia is 13 months old, if that gives you an indication of what my time has been spent with.)
I always tell my hubby that at least he actually GETS his projects done because yoohoo over here is taking care of the baby so he CAN get them done while my stuff just continually piles up higher and higher.
It irritates me a little bit when people show up unannounced, but after a while I realize the irritation is really aimed at myself. I’ve got 3 little ones 4, 3, and 1, and they seem to leave a wake of destruction wherever they go. I try to have cleanup time a couple of times a day, but then I get busy trying to get caught up on ironing (hasn’t been done in 3 months!) or straightening and dusting the living room (dust is not my friend) or sometimes I would just rather sit on the floor with my little ones and put together puzzles or read books. They don’t seem to care whether or not I’ve brushed my teeth yet or have taken a shower.
Ahhh… piffle. I hate housework.
The Absentminded Housewife calls it the “Daily Failure,” and that resonates with me. But as you know… this is it. This is life and it is to be “enjoyed, not just endured.”
That describes perfectly how I’ve been feeling. I just can’t stay on top of anything the last couple of weeks. It’s getting bad. I’m using the pregnancy as an excuse, but I’m not sure that’s it. I go through slumps like this and then I go through phases when I’m a neat freak.
And NO ONE EVER comes to visit when my house is clean (you know, like all 15 minutes). I read something recently that said something like, “If you came to see my clean house, make an appt.”
Hang in there…
The only way to resolve it is one step at a time. They way I do it is I write everything down, knowing that I will not get it done in one day. Each day I pick one thing (I work full time out side the home so I go real slow). You can choose how ever many you want to get done. When that one thing is done, I pick another. Some days I get two or three done. I get a kcik out of crossing things off the list so it motivates me. If that doesn’t work remember you can do anythig for 5 minutes. Set a timer and go after it for 5 minutes. Then sit for 10 if you want to. Or pick up 5 things. It works for me, it might work for you. Just remember that you only have to make yourself happy. And I would be willing to bet your new friends did not come to see your house but came to see you. I never notice people’s houses.
Um, I think we’ve all been there–well maybe not ALL of us, because some people actually like to clean their houses, but most normal moms have been there.
If you’ll excuse me I think I’ll go put away the vacuum that the hubster must have gotten out while I was gone. Not to vacuum actual floor, but to vacuum out someone’s computer. Where are the priorities around here?
I just realized how pompus I sounded. My house is a dump and I don’t have the luxury of kids or a husband. IT’S ALL ME! I’M A SLOB! I have friends coming in the weeksn and you should see it. My house is a disaster area. Just ignore my last comment. Man what was i thinking!
IMHO, coming over without calling first is uncool–unless it’s a family member or maybe your best friend. You had nothing to apologize for!
I’ve never experienced life with multiple kids. But from what I hear, it’s totally normal to FEEL like you’re not doing anything well. (That may be why I haven’t had another child yet.) You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of! You’re an awesome mom. And I am amazed at how much writing you do.
I like you just how you are.
You should move here. I’d be your friend. And I’d like that your house was messy, so I could stop feeling guilty about how messy my house is.
I wrote something on my blog along these same lines a couple of weeks ago. And someone made a comment that totally stuck with me. She said that we need to have goals, not plans. If I want to be a good mom, it should be a goal, not a plan. Plans change, and then we get down on ourselves. I love that.
By the way, I wished I had my camera with me yesterday so I could sneakily take a picture of someone that looked EXACTLY LIKE YOU. (a hottie) Are you sure you don’t have a long lost twin sister in my town???
You know I’m not frustrated with you. Let’s work on that list. 🙂 You’ll do it. I love you. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Mine are “reading and regathering strength days,” which are typically followed by late nights up to get done the stuff for the next day. Like yesterday, for example, when I slept in until almost noon and then read Sherlock Holmes all day and then did a bunch of other stuff (SO with you on the whole “work avoidance by doing things that sorta kinda look like work” thing!!!) and THEN stayed up WAY TOO LATE attempting to do the ESSENTIALS with only half a brain.
I really think we’re ALL figuring this out, and I feel confident that you’ll get it. Or at least, “get it” enough to stay sane, and really, that’s what’s important. 😉
You must accept the fact that you do not have to be Super Mom all the time, and no one expects you to be. I know it’s hard. I put pressure on myself until I came close to a breakdown, but a good dose of hypnotherapy and Paxil helped me put things into perspective. So, do not put so much pressure on yourself. We love you, and I know your family loves you. I think it is probably difficult on you to be in a new place with a lack of friends. It is easy to get down when you don’t have that support system of your girlfriends!
Sorry to write a novel on your blog. I just want you to not put so much pressure on yourself. As a mother of two, I know it gets much harder once you are “outnumbered!”
And as for the women showing up at your door – I like to quote Dr. Phil on this one. “You wouldn’t worry so much what other people thought about you if you realized how little they actually did.”
Okay, I’ve been “lurking” for months, I always love your blog but this one… creepy! You put my life into words. I was just asking myself a couple of hours ago why I was organizing boxes of photos in a closed cabinet instead of… unpacking suitcases from last weekend; putting away beach items still in the dining room from two weeks ago; folding and putting away four overflowing baskets of clean laundry; washing any number of dirty loads of laundry; sorting a week’s worth of mail piled in my entryway; cleaning… just about every room; the list goes on and on. Why is it this way? I never used to be like this, I used to choose a task, tackle it and move on to the next thing. Now I spend my days bouncing around the house starting this or that and never finishing anything! I guess this is a side effect of being perpetually interrupted by three small children. I just don’t know how to finish a task anymore, even without the kids around! And I’m so overwhelmed by everything I SHOULD be doing that I don’t know how to prioritize anymore! Blah, blah, blah. Sorry. I so relate only I wish it were friends dropping by but instead it’s usually my mother-in-law. Double treat! Thanks for making me feel like I’m not alone in this wacky world of kids and mayhem.
Hang in there, eventually you’ll bounch back 😀
…..Or that’s what I tell myself when I look around the house…. I’m sure it’s solid truth though!!!
Look at me – all the way down here at #46 –
just stopping by to say:
don’t be so hard on yourself!
take it a moment at a time, I say…
perhaps next week you’ll be motivated for very different things –
I love your writing and look forward to reading it everyday. Know this, you are a FAR better mother and wife than I will ever hope to be. I cannot cook, clean well, hang towel rods, make poofs, or write and touch so many peoples lives, daily. You are an amazing woman.
Whoa, hold on there, little missy. How utterly and completely rude of someone to show up at your home without warning. RUDE, I tell you! (And don’t even get me STARTED on the peeing…) This wasn’t your sister or your best friend, these were people you don’t even know. They may have had the best of intentions, but they need to teach some manners in that new congregation of yours.
And yes, if it didn’t occur to you to be indignant, I’d be more than happy to feel it for you!
You know, a friend of mine (who’s house is always spotless, I don’t think her two year old even plays with toys) went into labor unexpectantly and I, being the awesome friend that I am, went over to her house and through her stuff to get everything she needed at the hospital. Can I tell you it was the most awsome experience. She’s not perfect, she had unfolded laundry on her couch, the closets were a mess, the dishes weren’t even rinsed in the sink, oh it made me soooo happy. Is that wrong? Well anyways, it turns out she’s just really good at throwing things in the dishwasher and kicking things into closets when unexpected guests arrive. I guess that still takes having a fairly clean house. But it made me feel better, and able to relate to her more, knowing she’s not always perfect.