This post originally appeared on The Parenting Post July 17, 2006

Grandpa forgot his machete so he’s taken to putting on work gloves and attacking the bamboo jungle by hand whenever he gets the chance to sneak away from the millions of house-chores we’ve bombarded him with. The bamboo patch that ate my new backyard is rustic, beautiful, shady, and more than a little frightening. Why would you plant bamboo in a backyard in Washington? Were the previous owners breeding Pandas? How does it continue to grow so fast when it’s packed in so tightly? What on earth could be hiding back there?

I see 5 possibilities:

A. More Roses
B. Snakes
C. A family of gerbils or some other festering disease-ridden rodents
D. More Bamboo
E. A Dead Body

Okay, I admit that chances are it’s not E. Dead bodies are most likely found in swimming pools or lakes after the sun has gone down. On land, you’re much more likely to find critters. I live in constant fear that mice, rats or gerbils will overrun my home. And since they are even smaller than Laylee and Magoo, they’re much more terrifying.

Children and small animals are both much scarier than say, senior citizens or manatees because they’re smaller so they can squeeze into tiny places. You open up the cupboard and there they are “Booga-Booga” eating all your marshmallows.

They can also crawl up into your bed at night and kick you in the face or nibble your eyeballs out. Name me one old person or sea mammal who can do that. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Then there’s the fear associated with speed. Children and rodents are both fast. Cute? Yes. But also scary. That’s why I was horrified by what I found under our old range as we were having it hauled away last week.


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