Twas the Fourth of Jul-ee

Posted on July 6, 2008 by The Daring One

I’twas, i’twas. And we consumed greatly large amounts of the fats and the sugars. Because we are patriots.
Patriotic Fatness
The cupcakes were made from scratch and about 80% organic, which seems somewhat ironic considering that after eating them we let the children on our street light over $300 worth of toxic chemicals on fire and then dance amidst the smoke and flames, encouraging them not to inhale. At least the farmer didn’t use fertilizer on those berries. We’re about healthy choices.
Barrow of TNT
We wore big boy pants this holiday weekend and only wet ourselves once…per day. We are free from the shackles of baby diapers. Sometimes our freedom impinges on the freedom of other people or their lawns or their personal property. Let freedom ring.
Ring of Organic Fire

Posted in Random | 20 Comments

Best and Worst Part of the Day

Posted on July 6, 2008 by The Daring One

Until recently, dinner conversation at our house frequently consisted of Dan and I trying to have adult conversation while the kids interrupted to ask if they could get down, eat ice cream or spill their milk all over the table. [read more at Parenting.com]

Posted in Random | Comments Off on Best and Worst Part of the Day

Love and Basketball

Posted on July 1, 2008 by The Daring One

I worked out for the first time today since I overdid it trying to beat that old lady with a cane in the race and ended up flat on my back for 2 weeks from the strain. It felt great to be sweatin’ it out again, pumpin’ up the music on my MP3 player and reawakening the muscles or more realistically muscle that had been sleeping and decomposing for the past few weeks.

This past weekend Dan and I watched Darkon, a documentary about people who spend their spare time building armor, playing Dungeons and Dragons, and acting out epic battles. Although they take things WAY further than I’ve ever considered taking them, there was something appealing about the way they live out their dreams with such abandon.

I think an active fantasy life is super important and when I’m on an adrenalin high after around 36 minutes of working out, my mind starts to drift and imagine all sorts of crazy fun things. I used to exercise for the recommended 30 minutes and wondered why everyone talked about getting a “high” but once when I accidentally went overtime, I found that my high doesn’t come until minute 36 or 37. It’s NICE.

So today I was working out on the elliptical trainer next to a spastic tween boy who kept flailing his arm out to the side and whacking me with his hand. I’m in the zone. I’m sweating. THWACK! “Sorry.” I’m working back into it. I’m in the zone. I’m sweating. My eyes are closed. I can feel the fat melting off me. THWACK! “Sorry.”

I was worried that the high would never come amidst the beating I was taking but luckily the boy gave up around minute 31 and I was able to crank up the tunes and meld my mind with the sweat. And it came and as usual my imagination ran wild. When the high comes, I always imagine myself as thin, fast and gazelle like. This time however, Dan was part of my fantasy. I spent the last 10 minutes of my workout beating the cheese out of Dan at basketball in my mentals. I mopped the FLOOR with him. He grinned in shock as I pivoted around the court sinking 3-pointer after 3-pointer and dribbling through his legs and around him at light-speed.

If you’d ever seen me play basketball, you’d know why this was such a ridiculous fantasy. Generally my best contribution to any basketball team is fouling out. I use my brute strength and lack of knowledge of the finer points of the game, such as the rules, in order to shove around the other team, allowing the real players to shine. Then I get thrown out of the game before I have the chance to do any real damage to our score. It works nicely.

I really dominated him though, slaughtered him with a great and vicious slaughter and it felt OH-SO-GOOD. Maybe this stems from our real life interactions. Lately I’ve been playing a pretty mean game of Dr. Mario. Even with a handicap, Dan is woefully unskilled at this mindless Nintendo version of Tetris. I wow him with my cat-like reflexes and thumbs of steel.

But I’d like to take this to the next level with some serious physical domination, get the chance to whip out a b-ball at the next family gathering and take him by surprise as I soar through the air over his head and dunk it in a way that would make Shaq stand back on his fat feet and say, “GIRL! Where did you cultivate those fine and skillish skeelz?”

I think it’s time to look for an old basketball hoop on freecycle to hang on the back of the shed… once we build a shed.

Posted in Random | 11 Comments

So Darn Medium

Posted on June 30, 2008 by The Daring One

When we arrived at the Long Beach airport in May for our family’s Disneyland vacation, our plane had to sit on the runway for an hour and a half waiting for one of the three parking spots to open up so we could exit the vehichle. We were cramped, hot, annoyed and tired by the time we made our way down the ramp and picked up our luggage.

I called the airport shuttle we’d booked and paid for and was told that they’d given our van away to someone else because our flight status had said “ARRIVED” for the past two hours and they assumed we’d made other arrangements. No we had not. It was 11pm, we were exhausted, out $50 and stranded at the Long Beach Airport.

I’m not ashamed to say that a few choice words and a few tears escaped my face before I calmed down and we decided to head over and pay another $50 for a cab to the hotel. At that time of night in that dust speck of an airport, cabs arrived about every 10 minutes and we stood in a line waiting our turn and whining to anyone who would listen.

The senior couple ahead of us in line took pity on our small pathetic band of sticky travelers and offered us their cab. The woman was so very kind and I was so very done that I didn’t even fight her. I didn’t say, “You’re old and you were here first and you’re probably on the verge of an arthritic fit. You take the cab and we’ll wait a few more minutes for our chariot to Mickeyville.” All I could say was, “Thank you,” as we slipped into the grimy leather seats and headed off, my arms serving as human carseats. Both kids fell asleep as we sped along.

Then yesterday, a month after our trip, I walked into the kids’ bedroom and found Laylee standing upright, staring straight ahead with a strange expression on her face. Noticing me, she looked up and said, “Oh mom. I had to stop cleaning. I was just thinking about that lady who gave us her taxi at Disneyland and I was so happy because we got to drive there and so sad because she’s still there waiting and my eyes are red like I’m gonna cry but my mouth can’t stop smiling. I’m just so medium right now, I don’t know if I’m happy or sad.”

Maybe I should tell her that it’s likely the lady is not still stranded on the curb of the airport. But maybe not. It makes a better story that way. So much more medium.

Posted in around town, kid stuff | 15 Comments

Filth and Progress

Posted on June 27, 2008 by The Daring One

The differences between filth and progress are very subtle so I will walk you through a few of them. [read more at Parenting.com]

Posted in domesticality, parenting | Comments Off on Filth and Progress

Grosser

Posted on June 26, 2008 by The Daring One

Today Magoo marked his territory in the baked goods isle of The Family Grocer. It’s much “grosser” now than it was before.

He stood next to me as I perused the canning supplies and suddenly let out a huge, “OH. NO!”

I looked down to see a yellow puddle growing below him. Apparently he is somehow freakishly able to hold a volume of liquid greater than the apparent volume of his body. He then evacuates the liquid wherever he happens to be standing.

At least he’s starting to seem concerned about it. When he lost it in the grocery store, he kept saying, “I’m sorry Mom. I only pee in the potty now. I PROMISE! I’m sorry Mom. Can I get a present?”

To his credit, he did run to the potty several times today without being asked. Now I did promise him a Swedish fish for every time he emptied his contents into the proper receptacle. A friend told me that bribery is perfectly acceptable and no 6th grader ever still needed to be promised candy in return for doing their business on the pot.

I take comfort in that as I send him happily into a dehydration-aggravated diabetic coma. At one point he seriously went potty 4 times in a ten minute period, squeezing every last drop of liquid from his body.

Sitting here on the family room couch I’m not sure if I can actually smell pee or the scent is just permanently emblazoned on my memory.

Posted in blick, kid stuff | 15 Comments