You’re Invited

This has been going on long enough. I think it’s time that we should meet. You didn’t show up at the top of the Space Needle on Valentine’s Day like I’d hoped so Beth, Karen, Karli, Heather and I have been plotting something a little more exotic in hopes of enticing you out of your little computer rooms and nursing loungers.

None of us are gonna be able to make it to the “big show” this summer but we’d still like to get together with a few of our bloggin’ homies. So, if you plan to be in Boise, ID on the evening of Saturday, May 20th and you’d like to join us for some dinner and child-free girl time “Bloggirl” style, email me and let me know so we can reserve a seat for you.

“Idaho?!” you ask. “It can’t be! I LOVE Idaho! I’ve been searching for the perfect opportunity to abandon my family for an evening and spend some quality time in the potato capitol of the US.” Well, call me your fairy-ever-lovin’-godmother. Bring me four mice and a pumpkin because May 20th is your lucky day.

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A Taxing Experience

So it turns out I lied. The taxes and I? We were not meant to be together. Not here, not now, not like this. Last year I rocked the taxes. I turboed the taxes. I filled in the numbers, pulled the lever, and got us a sweet return.

Dan took the tax return and, with the help of the good folks at Dell, converted it into a totally wicked server with a raid-array-blabbity-blah which we are using to slowly take over the world, one bit at a time.

This year, after –

“Oh Anne! I’ve loved you as long as I can remember.” So-ry. I’m watching Gil propose to Anne as I type this. It’s a little distracting. She’s “so desperately sorry.” Ahhhh….

-Oh, yeah. This year, after making a complete disaster of our taxes, I gave up in despair, vowing to return in a few days and fix the damage. That was a few weeks ago and the tax documents have lived in a very large and unruly folder in the office, unloved and unattended to. I literally turn my back and shudder as I walk by them.

Then yesterday Dan realized we’d have to pay extra on TurboTax if we didn’t file by the 31st so he gathered up my mess, sorted the documents, deciphered the tough stuff and saved us from financial ruin and years of house arrest and community service.

Hmm….house arrest and community service? This sounds a little too familiar. It’s flu season around these parts….

One thing’s for sure. I’m glad he did his research. If it had not been for this enlightening article Dan found online, we never would have known that I needed to claim the “commission” I’m making running those cock fights in our garage or blackmailing the nice old man next door.

Of course Dan passed this info along to all of his embezzling, extortionizing co-workers. One particularly shady character asked if he robbed a federal bank and took only 700,000 of their million dollar holdings, could he consider his taxes already paid? I’m not sure. I bet he can find the answer to that online.

He probably just needs to claim it as previously paid taxes on the 6759R form under drug money and other miscellaneous felonious profitocity.

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Selfish by Nature

Video Sharing at DropShots.com

Having studied English in college, I fancy myself an observer of all things linguistical. I’ve often wondered about the order kids learn certain words. Here are a few examples that I find very telling:

“No” before “Yes”
“Up” before “Down”
“Now” before “Later”
“Mine” before “Yours”
“Dad” before “Mom” (even if they really mean Mom)
“Out” before “In”
“Go” before “Come”
“Me” before “You”
“Baby” before “What would you like to do today mother?”

I also wanted to let you know that the Daring Young Scientists are working very hard to discover the genetic mutation which has caused Magoo to start walking like this:

Video Sharing at DropShots.com

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Dreams and Facial Hair

There are two things I’d like to share today, totally unrelated except they have had me laughing since I saw them yesterday. Whenever I think about them, I laugh and so I must share.

Isn’t that what this whole bloggin’ thing’s about? Sharing?

One is my brother’s facial hair and his wife’s amazing PhotoShopping skills. He had a little too much fun shaving off his beard a few weeks ago and this was the result:

How Does Adam Feel Today email size

Yes. I am related to this person and proud of it. I cannot stop laughing.

The second thing I’d like to share is a blog whose most recent entries killed me. I am dead. Knowing about my recent demise makes this whole blog entry all the more remarkable, I’m sure. Maybe it’s worth some money now. Weren’t all the great works by artists worth more after their creators kicked the bucket? Please send money.

I’ve been reading Goslyn’s blog Wishful Thinking off and on for a while now. She’s a great writer and very funny. What caught my eye yesterday was an entry about her own writing, making comparisons to my nemesis Ernest Hemingway and an entry about some dreams she’s had about me lately. Just mentioning the entries makes me laugh out loud. Please go read her if you’ve ever read much Hemingway or if you want to know about my psychotic dream infiltrating skills.

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You Gotta Have Teeth

3 teethI received some startling news yesterday. According to our 5-year-old friend Quinn, Magoo is losing all of his teeth. At this point I’m not sure there’s much we can do to save him from a life of eternal denture-hood. From what Quinn can make out, there are only “like 3 LEFT!”

Laylee made a self-serving discovery of her own as we were driving along that afternoon.

Laylee: Mom look! Those clouds look like ice cream.
Me: Yeah, they DO! Good job. What a great imagination.
Laylee: I think we should go get some ice cream right now.
Me: Keep looking at the clouds and maybe tonight we can have some ice cream for family night treats.
Laylee: O KAY!

Hours later it’s family night. We’re all sitting around and Laylee is giving a lesson on the Creation of the world. Dan whispers into her ear and she repeats what he says. When they get to day 5 and Dan realizes Adam and Eve are next on deck, he figures he must have left something out.

Dan: Uh-oh. I think we forgot one of the days. What did we forget?
Laylee: The treats.
Dan: No. We forgot one of the things God created.
Laylee: Maybe it was one of the animal things, like pigs.

That’s IT! On the third day He created ice cream and pigs. I forget that one every time. It always throws me.

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Tip Tuesday — Dirty Laundry

When I was pregnant, people repeatedly warned me about the increased amount of laundry I would have to deal with once the little bubba came tumbling down and out into the world.

I sort of believed them. I nodded my head and smiled. I thought, “How much extra laundry can she really generate? Her clothes are so SMALL!” And I was right. She did only create about one extra load of laundry per week, a load which I washed in special dye and fragrance-free baby detergent.

And I was wrong, because what they didn’t tell me was how many more pairs of dirty clothes I would go through myself. I am constantly covered with inexplicable goo. I can’t “explic”, for example, the dots of crusty something that are dribbled down the right leg of my jeans as I type this and I don’t much care to solve that mystery.

The mystery we are here to solve today is how to deal with this barrage of filth in a timely and semi-organized fashion and actually get it clean enough to eat off of, because that’s probably what we’ll end up doing with it anyway. (Don’t tell me you haven’t picked up a cheerio or two from your -eh-hem- “nursing shelf” and popped it into your mouth to dispose of it.)

As a mother of two small children, I could tell you what works best to keep me out of the laundry-induced cookoo bin. I actually just did type out our entire laundry routine but it was so boring and obnoxious that I deleted it. I guess you’ll have to buy the book.

Instead I’ll give my number one laundry tip. The tip is called “the special solution.” (Seeing it written out like that, it actually looks sort of sinister.) I’m not sure where my mom got this but it has been a lifesaver many many times indeed. The solution is made by mixing 1 cup of bleach with 1 cup of powder dishwasher detergent, added to a washer full of hot water. Let the water and the other ingredients agitate for a few seconds. Then add the clothes. For really bad stains, you can soak it overnight and then let the load run through.

I use this for cleaning all my whites and they come out beautifully white every time. The real joy of the “special solution” (besides it’s creepy name) is that something in the dishwasher powder makes the bleach semi-color safe. It doesn’t work on everything. It will usually fade bright colors some and sometimes makes the colors totally wonky. However, if you’re desperate, throw a stained colored item in this solution and you’ll frequently have great results. I’ve gotten impossible stains out of khaki pants and pale-colored baby clothes with this. It is a GEM.

One more tip — GOJO. It’s one brand name of the stuff mechanics use to clean the grease off their hands. I can’t find that particular brand here in Washington but I found something similar at the car parts store. It is whitish and comes in a sour-cream sized container. (Don’t get any of the orange or other fruity varieties. You just want the original white stuff.) This works wonders for getting grease stains out of clothes, even if they’ve been through the dryer. Have you ever found an empty chapstick in your basket of clean clothes, only to discover that every article is covered in tiny splatters of set-in grease? If you scrub at it with GOJO, your clothing may just have a fighting chance. Oh, and it’s super-cheap.

That’s what I got. Share yours please.

With my first child the question was “How many times a day can I change her out of dirty clothes into clean ones?” With number two I wonder, “How many times can he spit up on an outfit or get spilled on before I consider it ”˜dirty’?”

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