Broke Down Toothbrush

Motorized Dental Care goes varooooomI finally succumbed to the marketing pressure and got me one of them fancy motorized tooth brushin’ contraptions everyone thinks are so great or at least everyone thinks that everyone else thinks they’re so great so they buy them and end up stashing them under their bathroom vanities two days later.

I’ve seen the commercials with the models and their atomically white teeth, having been gently polished with the Super Sonico Brushinator just two minutes twice a day for two weeks.  Oh how they shine.  Oh how people flock to greet them.

“What happened Angie?  Did you meet a guy?  Have laser hair removal on your belly button?  WHAT?  You can tell me.  I’m your bestedly besttest friend in the whole entirety of the widely wide world.  Oh Ange!  You’re such a tease.  Dish the dirt girlfriend.  Why do you look so luminously radiantly shockingly beautiful?”

Then she says it’s the toothbrush, yadda yadda, and next thing I know the Ange inside my head is putting a cheap knock-off version of the Brushinator in my shopping cart at the money-sucking vortex that is Tarzhay.

I get it home.  I try it for maybe a week.  No one is flocking yet but I am experiencing some tooth sensitivity, which must be a sign that it’s removing the calcified crustiness hiding my luminous smile…or my enamel.  I choose to believe it’s the crustiness.  Crustiness may be ugly, but it allows you to drink hot cocoa and eat ice cream with very little discomfort.

So my shield of filth was wearing down, but so was my toothbrush.  By Friday night, it had very little steam at all and halfway through the top row of teeth it stopped completely, the gyrating, the swishing, the humming, the chiseling, they were no more.  The brush stood motionless in my terrified mouth and I froze, not knowing what to do next. 

How could I go on?  What was I supposed to do?  Should I rinse my mouth out, charge the brush, wait for two hours and start over?  No.  I had to get to bed.  Something had to be done. 

Old Bessy Stands ProudSo, I opened the drawer and pulled out Old Bessy, my standby.  I loaded her up with paste.  She’d never let me down before.  She’d never stopped running, battery or no.  With some swift wrist action, we worked as a perfectly synchronized team.  I lovingly rinsed her and put her back in the place of honor out on the counter. (I remember Oprah once saying something about toothbrushes and hair products not belonging out on the counter, like they should be hidden away in shame in some cute floral box.  Personally I like to see a toothbrush in someone’s bathroom.  It reassures me that they practice oral hygiene and does a lot to build trust and friendship.)

In disgust I rinsed out my pathetic excuse for a motorized dental cleansing device.  Dead in the water.  She’s sittin’ in the charger right now but I’m a little disillusioned.  I’m not sure if I should take her back. 

Dan wonders why I didn’t just use her lifeless body full of half-sudsed paste to finish the job.  I’m not sure.  It just seemed wrong somehow, like swirling your dead fish around in its tank to remember the good old times.  Just wrong.

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22 Responses to Broke Down Toothbrush

  1. The best toothbrush I ever got was given to me on a Singapore Airlines flight in one of those little packs with a little tube of toothpaste- it was easy to hold, held its bristles well and was just the perfect coarseness for my teeth. I cherish it like no other…:)

  2. chilihead says:

    That last little bit about swirling the dead fish about did me in. You’re killing me.

    (And? I have to admit that at first I was thinking BrokeBACK Toothbrush. Which would have been an entirely different post.) 😉

  3. Erin says:

    I too also thought those power toothbrushes were over rated, until one Christmas, and my mother changed all of her childrens minds. My mom works at an orthodonist and they were trying out a new version of sonicare, and could get them at a very discounted price, and got all of the families one. And now every Christmas we get replacement brushes. All of us were wondered what the big deal was. The first time we used, we figured out what the hype was. My teeth had never felt cleaner. I’ve never had a problem with it dying, although I make sure when I am done with it that I just put it back in it’s charger. So maybe you bought the wrong kind, but I’ve been very happy with my Sonicare, and have never had sensitivity or discomfort, and neither has my husband who has really sensitive teeth. So I am going to plug sonicare and tell you to buy that brand.

  4. Kristine says:

    I have seriously debated the upgraded motorized toothbrush multiple times. I think you have officially killed your toothbrush…I mean, any desire for me to buy one of my own. I’m glad you hung on to “Ole Bessie”.

  5. Dan was right! You could have used it to finish brushing. But seriously, I wouldn’t have thought of it either!

    I haven’t told you yet how much I love your new blog design. Your old one was light years ahead of mine but this one is too too much!

  6. “…swirling your dead fish around in its tank…”
    I think I just wet my pants!

  7. Trivial Mom says:

    I love my sonicare toothbrush . . . it really does make you teeth whiter. Well I use a whitening toothpaste too, so I guess it could be either one of them making my teeth whiter. But seriously. worth the 80 bucks a dished out at Costco for it. Your teeth actually feel almost-dentist clean when your done.

  8. Heidi says:

    Sonicare–yes! Pricey, but you get what you pay for. (There’s a reason cheap knock-offs are cheap!)

  9. allysha says:

    I haven’t yet been tempted by the electric toothbrush, but I am thinking a teeth whitening kit may just be in my future… you do have a thing with dead fish, don’t you! Hee.

  10. Nettie says:

    Only you could write a post about a dead toothbrush and make it so enjoyably entertaining!

    I haven’t jumped on the vibrating toothcleaning bandwagon yet, myself. But I’m terribly resistant to change.

  11. HLH says:

    They are great, really, and they are better for your gums. Just wait until you go to replace the head. I loved mine until I realized it was $22 to replace the toothbrush head. With 2 kids and a limited budget $22 just seems to steap for a flipping toothbrush and so I sadly went back to my manual brush!

  12. Sketchy says:

    Man all you need are some sound effects! lol In my head I was hearing the sound track to “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” though so I guess I provided my own.



  13. Sarah says:

    I’ve tried electric toothbrushes of the requires-replacement-head kind, as well as one made by Crest. However, my very favorite to date is the Oral B Pulsar – it doesn’t pound ones gums like some others do, it can be had at your local grocery store (for under $5, I believe) the handle isn’t big and bulky and the batteries are long-lasting!

  14. Tess says:

    our family Christmas party includes the buying and trading of $15 gifts at random w/ much swapping and bartering of the gifts. One year for kicks we bought electric toothbrushes to bring, just because we thought they were stupid, and near rioting broke out to get them.

    I’m sticking w/ my old faithful manual. And I get the same color, same brand every time so I know which one is mine.

  15. Caryn says:

    This is good to know. Seems everyone raves about his/her eletric toothbrush, and I’ve occasionally flirted with the idea of getting one of my own. But I’m prone to sensitive teeth. (Flossing helps, though. Once I started flossing my teeth became FAR less sensitive.)

    Note to self: If Kathryn ever makes it to my neighborhood, I MUST remember to put my toothbrush out, even if it doesn’t fit in the toothbrush holder our home’s previous owners stuck into the wall.

  16. Nancy says:

    My DH is a dental student so he is UP.TO.DATE. on all of these things. Or so he tells me. Sonicare is the best toothbrush on the market for your teeth. Erin was right–they’re great. DH kindly bought me one, because as a student, he can get a cheap price.

    But I don’t use it. The handle is too big for my “a toothbrush should be skinny” mindset. Like Sarah, I use the Oral B Pulsar and I LOVE.LOVE.LOVE. it. Really. I do. I’ve had it a loong time and it’s still ticking. Or brushing, rather.

    It about kills my husband that my nice, hi-tech toothbrush sits day after day on the counter while the toothbrush that they gave him for free is used twice daily. Sigh. The ironies.

  17. EmLouisa says:

    Run, DON’T WALK to your local Tarjay and pick up a Sonicare. Worth every stinking penny that I didn’t pay for it because I have extremely dentally aware inlaws. Seriously, it is awesome. My dentist has always been able to tell when I use my Sonicare and when I don’t. They are that good.

    But, I do have to admit that most the time I use my regular brush. A month before my dental appointment? Sonicare all the way, baby.

  18. melnel says:

    “It just seemed wrong somehow, like swirling your dead fish around in its tank to remember the good old times.”

    This has got to be one of the best lines of published text I have ever ever read! 🙂

  19. I was wondering the same thing as Dan…I should have known you were two steps ahead!! Oh, you kill me!

  20. Margaret says:

    TEARS of laughter

    …it’s not FAIR how you capture stuff like this in writing! All the emotion, the inside-your-head Ange making you do it, the rationale…

    You had me from “Crustiness may be ugly, but it allows you to drink hot cocoa and eat ice cream with very little discomfort.”

  21. “Personally I like to see a toothbrush in someone’s bathroom. It reassures me that they practice oral hygien”. Yes indeed.

    My sister swears Sonicare is like the best thing ever. Would you do a review if you decide to spend $80 bucks on it? I’d buy it if it had the DYM seal of approval.

  22. grammyelin says:

    Best line ever? “It just seemed wrong somehow, like swirling your dead fish around in it’s tank to remember the good old times.”

    You crack me up, Baby!

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