No Vehicular Urination in This Family

I was driving around campus when I went to visit BYU earlier this month. Julie and I were meeting up for lunch and I arrived at the visitor parking lot with plenty of 2 minutes to spare. The lot was full but the attendant said I was welcome to drive around and double check. It really was full but in the spirit of great lurkers I’ve met in the past, I found a woman getting ready to leave, followed her to her car, put on my blinker and waited for her.

Another driver in a car smaller than my tank of familyhood headed down the aisle towards me, stopped on the other side of the exiting vehicle and put her blinker on as well. It was a showdown. It was a game of parking chicken. And she won. As soon as the car had backed fully out, she jetted in front of me and took the spot. I could do nothing but honk my horn, huff puff and throw an insane sort of adult hissy fit with my children looking on.

When I was certain there were no other spots available, I headed across campus to the additional parking by the stadium, about half a mile from where Julie and I were to meet. I dialed her cell phone. Breathing quickly through clenched teeth I growled that I would be late for lunch due to an extremely rude single woman who had no idea what it was like to tote two tired children all over the state through the snow and it might take me even longer than normal because I would have to take a side trip to the parking lot to key her car.

In the rearview mirror I caught sight of Laylee’s face, studying me closely like a mini-dose of Calm-the-Heck-Down-For-the-Sake-of-the-Children. I then started into a whole Pollyanna routine about how lucky we were to get to walk through the parking lot and see all the pretty cars and past the Marriot center and through a tunnel and over a bridge and down a spirally ramp and past a water feature and across a sidewalk and through the quad… in the snow. I told them I was sure that the mean lady wasn’t lucky enough to do ANY of those things. She had tried to be mean but in the end we had won out because we had gotten to take such an exciting and scenic walk.

The kids appeared to buy it and I even felt nearly recovered from my irrational psychotic rage by the time I met Julie for the first time. She’s as lovely as her blog and I’d hate to have terrified her with my red-faced saliva-spitting anger.

So I thought it was over… until yesterday.

We were driving in the car and suddenly Laylee asked, “Remember when we were at BYU and you said you wanted to pee in that lady’s car?”

Me: What?!
Laylee: That mean lady took our parking spot and you said you wanted to go back and pee in her car.
Me [wanting to redeem myself in her eyes but obviously not thinking it through]: NO! Honey. I would never pee in somebody’s car. I said I wanted to KEY… her… car.
Laylee: What’s “key”””
Me: It’s a bad mean thing that we should never do or even joke about and it was very inappropriate of me to even say and I am so sorry.
Laylee: But what””
Me: It’s too mean and I won’t ever do it.
Laylee: Um… okay…

So we don’t believe in urinary vandalism in this family. No ma’am. If we’re gonna do property damage, we’re gonna go for the gold. Ayaiyai! I wonder when I’ll ever learn to keep my big mouth shut when around little people with long memories and “enquiring minds.”

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28 Responses to No Vehicular Urination in This Family

  1. h says:

    Funny how those “ee” words can be misunderstood. I recently agreed to let my 4 year old “be in the grass”. Moments later, as I watched her naked butt run around the yard, and her 9 year old sister look on in amazement, I realized I had given her permission to “pee in the grass”. I am glad you cleared things up with your daughter. Imagine the scarring that could have had on her in later years.

  2. Mir says:

    I didn’t realize Mormons were allowed to steal parking spaces. I’m shocked. 😉

  3. Liz says:

    (you’re on twitter! I’m following you there now too – but I promise to not take your parking space)

  4. sarah k. says:

    Holy moley, the rudeness! What possesses people do be that obtuse? Someone did that very thing to me in the parking lot of Movies 8, and then waited in the car until we were long gone, and then walked across the parking lot in the opposite direction of the theater, to a restaurant that had many empty spots. My friend and I (I am ashamed about this) wrote a nasty note that said how ever though we were really mad at their rudeness, they were lucky we didn’t bash in their windshield, because we were nicer than they were.

  5. All Adither says:

    What is it about parking disputes that brings out the worst in us? Though your worst doesn’t sound so bad. It’s not as if you threatened to poop in her car, after all.

  6. Awesome Mom says:

    I had that happen to me too only I won. I was just a teenager at the time and talking my little sisters Christmas shopping. I was there first and in position to take the spot when the person backed out. The lady yelled and cursed at me. I was like “I was so there first crazy woman.”

    It is so crazy the things Evan remembers. He is still (months later!!!!) talking about how we left one of his precious matchbox cars at grandma’s house. Sheesh give me a break already!

  7. Rebecca says:

    That must have been hard, explaining what car keying was – I might just have let her think that I wanted to go and pee in her car. Or not.

  8. Margaret says:

    Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to tell us that Julie WAS the rude single woman, and that she canceled your lunch date and the chance to EVER be friends with you when she realized your propensity for vehicular urination.

  9. Nicki says:

    Ha! That’s awesomeness if I ever heard it. And I’m surprised at your feistiness! I guess I shouldn’t be, your name is Daring Young Mom, not Boring Young Mom. 😉

  10. Oh, there would have been blood. I might have been tempted to get out of my car and walk over to her before the other car pulled out. Maybe try the “I am sure you didn’t realize we’ve been sitting here waiting for this spot?” Guilt should have worked. If not, I might have used my Mommy voice on her spoiled britches.

    What a horrible, spoiled, I would insert a bad word here, but this is a family site, girl.

    I am, however, you did not resort to soiling her car by key or pee.

    By the way, the BYU bookstore had some awesome bags upstairs last time I was there for ridiculously cheap prices. So cute for their few dollars. I am sure they were meant for church activity bags for the little ones, but we use them for hanging over the car backs while we drive to swim practice. Each kid packs their own stuff to do and keep busy as well as a snack. I have received more compliments on these. Did you see them? So cute.

  11. grammyeln says:

    “And enquiring minds want to KNOW”…everything, especially when we don’t want to divulge it.

    Man, you can’t win for losing. Those kids will call us up on or mistakes every time. But I think you handled it perfectly. I mean, what else could you say? (and by the way, I’m glad you don’t go around peeing in other people’s cars – or your own for that matter, after all, I sometimes ride in that vehicle.)

  12. Wendy says:

    Peeing in someone’s car is kinda of nicer than keying it, I think.

    It’s funny how hard they are listening (and remembering) when you are mad at someone other than them!

  13. TJ Hirst says:

    Ok . . . I’m one of those lurkers. And this post has made me come out and comment! Just so you know. . . Only when they start making comments like that is when we know it is time to take our real feelings behind closed doors! But I have never had my bad examples be quite as funny as this one.

  14. Shalee says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha… That’s so funny I almost peed my pants! Which really would be bad considering that I’m at work.

    Sorry that the rudeness happened but at least you didn’t go all “Towanda!” on her like Kathy Bates did in Fried Green Tomatoes…

  15. Marian says:

    If you had stuck with the “pee” version of your proposed action, you would have had to concoct quite a creative story about why, exactly, you would do that. However, chances are, they would at least have no moral high ground to claim when it comes to peeing in cars! ; )
    Or are my kids the only ones who’ve not made it to the rest stop?

    Yes, I’m ashamed to say that members of this family have, on occasion, engaged in vehicular urination.

    — mother whose son, just this afternoon, peed ON her car…

  16. elliespen says:

    Yeah, those parking lots at the Y are a war ground. One time I spent — I kid you not — AN HOUR AND A HALF circling the lot trying to find an empty spot, including two side trips to the lot across the street. Which meant I totally missed my class anyway.

    What we’ve taken to doing when the lots are full and there are a bunch of lurkers is just lurk by the pedestrian walkway and offer to give people a ride back to their car if they’ll let us have their parking spot. It works much better than leaving ourselves to the not-so-tender mercies of the other drivers there.

    (And I can safely promise that I was NOT the mean lady because first off, my car’s gutless little engine could never win a race like that and I’m too nice anyway, but because I don’t frequent the visitor lots; my turf is the grad student parking area. But I’m still glad to know that even if I had been I wouldn’t have come back to a car full of pee.)

  17. fawndear says:

    I have the solution for you. Buy a bigger bus or a tank like mine, then no matter where you go there will never be a big enough or convenient place to park. It’s the outer limits every single time. Not too many people fight over those spots. Great exercise and a good vocal workout trying to keep the kids close so they don’t become little pancakes.

    That or avoid the Y altogether. I choose to avoid the Y since they said I wasn’t good enough for them. O.K. now I’ve got to go find some Christlike thoughts somewhere.

  18. Paige says:

    Oh, my goodness, I’m laughing so hard! I know how long that walk from the Marriot Center is (since I’m going to Women’s conference next week and I’m gearing up and training for the big walk), and I totally feel your pain and frustration in having some young thing STEAL your parking place out from under you.

    And maybe you should pee on someone’s car. Not that they’d even notice, but it would sure make you feel better.

  19. Julie Q. says:

    I must admit, since Ms. Rudeness deprived me of some valuable cafeteria time with you and your kids, I’d like to give her a pee-ce of my mind too. But we’re all trying to be mature about this right?

    How funny that you worked so hard to turn it into a teaching moment and Laylee latched onto totally the wrong thing. Kids. They have the goofiest memories.

  20. Joni says:

    Parking at the Y is a pain. I swear the rent-a-cops hide in the bushes too . . . the second you park in a spot fifteen minutes before the lot opens they’ll jump at you. And no one knows how to handle a four way stop either. I go out of my way to avoid the three way stop by the Brick Oven on a daily basis.

    Perhaps it’s fortunate, then, that the horn on my car is currently out of commission. If it worked I might be a little worse with that road rage thing. . .

  21. Faith says:

    I just pee-d my pants, not because I want to pee your car, but because this is so something that Bacon would say. Because I too just can’t seem to keep my big mouth shut when in front of the little people. (And I am Catholic…or maybe that explains it.)

    I love that phrase though. And can you imagine? It would have frozen in the snow…and she wouldn’t have smelled it until July. Then she would have had NO idea how it got there!

    That totally would have been worth it.

  22. I am the QUEEN of the incar freakout. I am slightly concerned about my Bubbalu seeing this in action! Gotta work on that one.

    Oh be careful little tongue what you say….

  23. Amy says:

    Ha! My mind was following the same line as Margaret! Whew!

    Having a young one who studies my every reaction and then follows up weeks, years later with her elephantine memory of the event – it’s humbling to realize how I’m shaping her life by even my tiniest of actions. Thanks for the reminder!

    And I know that parking lot, I KNOW those thoughtless co-eds – but they will learn – next time it will be them with the armful of kids and just maybe they will remember 😉

  24. Nancy says:

    Love it all! Brought back many memories of being on campus…not that I was privileged enough to have a car while attending BYU, but when we just went back to visit with our kiddos, it also took FOREVER to find a space to park. However, I did not have to key or pee in someone’s car to obtain one….I just had the hubby drop us off while he parked 🙂

  25. Shelly says:

    Too Funny! Where I work there are parking lot ‘stalkers’ as I call them…they butt their cars up against the night shift people’s cars WAITING for them to leave. I hold myself Superior to them, because although each morning I check for available ‘good’ spots, and have had the Showdowns you mention ( I won, though), at LEAST I don’t stalk these poor people in hopes of getting a good spot. I just pay a meter for one!!

  26. FarmWife says:

    When #1 Son was about 2 1/2, he went to McD’s with my folks. When they were backing out of their parking space, a rather rude individual blocked them in. My dad, forgetting there were little pitchers in the car, said, “Thanks Buddy!” rather sarcastically & loudly. To which #1 Son replied, “You’re welcome, Pa!”

    There’s just something about parking lots.

    Although the thought of you squatting in some random woman’s car laughing manically is rather funny!

    Oh, and Shalee, I’m glad I’m not the only one who immediately thought of Towanda the Avenger!

  27. Tilane says:

    So funny!!! Children’s minds are much kinder than our adult ones.

  28. sheena says:

    You’re so funny! This post had me laughing terribly! Oh, I do hope your heel feels better soon!

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