My Pore Cleaner Sucks

pore-cleanerWhile I was “researching” the Harriet Carter catalog for blog fodder, I came across a pore cleaning device “as seen on TV” and felt it was ridiculous, possibly useless, and I must have it. However, I was unwilling to pay $7.95 on the off chance that one of my pores could be cleansed of impurity.

Then, the stars aligned and by some miracle the DOLLAR STORE got in a shipment of the coveted pore cleaners. These particular cleaners were not “as seen on TV” per se, but they were as seen at the DOLLAR STORE, which meant that they would only cost approximately one dollar. I dug into my piggy bank and indulged.

The box claimed that the device would provide a personal spa experience. I am a person and I like spas and experiencing things. Great-o.

Inside the box there were no instructions, just this helpful warning insert.

pore cleaner

There are a few things I love about the insert.

1. The CAUTION — “Purple spots or scars may appear on your skin.” With the use of this device, you must forever choose between dirty pores or purple spots and scars.

2. The fact that PORE CLEANER is always typed in ALL CAPS.

3. The part where it says “do not use PORE CLEANER if you have pimples or any skin inflammation.” What exactly are you supposed to clean out of your pores if you’re not someone who’s prone to pimples or skin inflammation? Also, if the cleaner does what it says it will do to your skin, everyone who uses it will have skin inflammation. Maybe you can only use it the one time, until your skin becomes inflamed and then you have to stop. Or maybe you can only use it once on each patch of skin until your entire face turns purple and then you have to stop. Maybe you can only use it on that really soft part of your skin right behind your earlobes.

4. That you cannot use the PORE CLEANER for more than one minute around the nose or 4 minutes around the cheeks, chin or forehead. You cannot use it ever around your eyes, the top of your nose, head, hairline border, or on areas of thin skin, or on the same point more than twice.

After all this I put a battery in, started her up and pressed her to the very thick and unblemished tip of my nose. Nothing. Nada. Not even the promised purple polka dot.

Well that’s just one more thing I’ve seen on TV that I’m not willing to spend a dollar on. For a real spa experience, I guess I’ll need to shell out at least a buck and a quarter.

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13 Responses to My Pore Cleaner Sucks

  1. Jeana says:

    Oh what a shame. I have this dirty pore on my eyeball and I was hoping this would be the answer.

  2. Heather says:

    Sounds like a battery powered hickey maker. What do they call it… the Lamprey 2000??
    Thanks for the product warning :o)
    TOO funny!!

  3. Melissa says:

    I wish I was awake enough to think of something witty to say… alas, I was up till way past my bedtime watching ALL the parts of “Wives and Daughters” 🙂

  4. JustRandi says:

    Wait till your kids get a hold of it. It’ll make the purple marks on them and then somebody will turn you in to child services.
    All that entertainment for only 1$!

  5. Hilarious! Perhaps, I’ll get one to use during my next skin cancer/skin care seminar just for kicks and giggles!

  6. Kimberly says:

    I’m laughing at the comments as much as the post. Gah!

  7. Shalee says:

    Wait! I can save you your buck! Well, not this time, but maybe the next time you want a pore cleaner.

    Use YOUR FINGERS to get those rascally pimples and clogged pores. Just squeeze and push. Clears pores immediately, resulting in beautiful, albeit blotchy, skin.


    1. Take care not to focus too long in one spot with YOUR FINGERS, as this may cause irritation or bruising.

    2. For best results, clean YOUR FINGERS thoroughly before AND after use.

    3. Feel free to use YOUR FINGERs everywhere – but not on Jeana’s eyeball.

    4. YOUR FINGER force my be very strong and cause purple spots or scars to appear on your skin if you use YOUR FINGERS on the same spot for long periods of time.

    This has been a public service announcement from your friend at the Diner. And yes, all employees are required to wash hands prior walking behind the counter.

  8. JenM says:

    Stupid cheap stuff! Although I’ve had my pores cleaned at the derm’s office and it HURTS.

  9. Jen Hill says:

    This horrid contraption sounds so much like some of the things I have tried in attempting to zap a zit! Anything for beauty eh?

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  11. cate says:

    oh my G**! you should seriously send those instructions to Jay Leno for Headlines! that is the funniest thing!

    and seriously….“Purple spots or scars may appear on your skin.”…what a selling point! they should put that right on the box!

  12. Christina says:

    This is so funny, I was looking for one and came across your web-site. Then I found out they are made in China, they probably have lead paint and thats why you get purlpe spots, and scars, worse it probably causes more pimples!!!

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