FAT SPAM and Dancing

Have you been getting the spam telling you that all of your co-workers are talking behind your back about what a fat slob you are? I have. The email goes into detail about all the office gossip and how the sender doesn’t want to be the one to tell me how disgusting I am but just wants to save me from future trauma.

I cannot believe it. For one thing, my coworkers have no room to talk. One of them is a 3-foot high fairy who belches constantly. Another is nicknamed “fat man” and is planning to leave the company and take up work on a logging crew any day now. The third one is just too nice. Dan would never say such things because he loves me dearly and he’d like to continue sleeping in our fabulous queen-sized.

I just think this is the worst round of spam yet, playing on people’s self-esteem, convincing them that everyone thinks they’re a loser so they’d better try out this new weight-loss product. Ack! Blech!

I don’t need their steenkeen weight loss pill. I’m becoming increasingly convinced that all of my life’s problems would be solved if I could spend the entire day disco dancing while rattlin’ a Tupperware shaker full of salt and rice and yelling “YOU” “no YOU” back and forth with Magoo.

I’d lose weight. I’d be too cool for school. All the kids would like me and I’d be happy all the time. Who can be sad when they’re flailing their limbs off-tempo in sweats, jiggling their spices and pretend-fighting with a toddler? Who, I ask? That’s what I thought.

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20 Responses to FAT SPAM and Dancing

  1. Heather O. says:

    It’s be all the better if you could disco dance while naked.

    Better not leave the house like that, though. People might stare, and all that selfesteem you bought might go out the window. Plus, if you are with your children, people might call some authority figure, and they might not buy the story that you were just being a good mom. And if you did assert yourself in some womanly way, like screaming, “TEWANDUH!” at them, well, that might make THEIR day, but certainly couldn’t have good consequences for you. Or your children. And your husband might be a little flustered when he sees pictures of his crazy naked wife on the news that night.

  2. Meadow says:

    I think thats a terrible way to sell a weightloss product. Rude rude spammers!! Unfortunately, all my spam is of the umm….naughty nature. Not sure how I got on their email lists but some of those are just sick and wrong! And no, I never open the email, I just see the titles. Sick. Sick I tell you!!

  3. Bethany says:

    Oh my, I don’t usually comment, but I just wanted to say that your hilarious randomness is one of the main reasons I read your blog. I feel like it keeps me sane (or keeps me crazy)!

  4. Shalee says:

    That is vile, repulsive and would make me want to bash their product left and right. I hate spam, both kinds – the one in email form and the one in by-product form too.

    And you totally made me laugh when you made the remark about Dan and his continuing to sleep in that fabulous queen-sized bed. I really thought you would say something like he would miss sleeping with his fabulous queen. If Mr. Right were ever to call me fat, then there would definitely be a lessening of sexual pleasure in his life… Not to mention a couple of teeth.

  5. Angela says:

    Love this post!
    I got a big kick out of your last line particularly because it’s the last line in my post yesterday! It’s such a perfect juvenile phrase, isn’t it?

  6. Melissa says:

    I haven’t received this spam yet… hmm… does that mean I look great?

  7. Jeana says:

    Salt and rice?

  8. Of all the nerve. I’m almost crying for the people out there that actually take it seriously, because if there are people out there that can fall for the Nigerian bank scam there are definitely people who will fall for this one.

    I did almost choke on my muffin at “jiggling their spices.” I’ve got lots of spices to jiggle.

  9. Farm Wife says:

    Spammity spam, wonderful spam…spam, spam, spam, spam…

    Sorry. I really couldn’t help it. Someone had to sneak in the Monty Python refrences.

    I do believe you will become fabulously popular dancing with the salt shaker. May I suggest a web cast?

  10. Lei says:

    After I had my first child, I had a difficult time losing the baby weight. I got one of these ads in the mail. It looked like it had been sent to me personally, and it crushed me! I racked my brain to think of what awful person had the nerve to send something like that to me (and not be upfront about it!!!) I soon realized that was the whole ploy… to make it look like one of my well meaning friends was just trying to help me out. Rude dog!!!

  11. Alissa says:

    i mostly just wanna know if none of those ladies’ husbands have noticed the pigs feet yet…. i can guarantee if it was some Swiss Cake Rolls, they’d be all over it…

  12. Kimberly says:

    This is exactly why when I started a group weight-loss blog I didn’t send out -any- invites. I waited for them to ask me. Much safer. Much nicer.

    Do you have any idea what fab writer you are, by the way? I had to subscribe to your blog so I wouldn’t miss out on any of your wonderfulness!

  13. nosurfgirl says:

    yeah. Those ads (along with ads about how to enhance one’s luvvyness, which is probably equally insulting to men, I think) are the reason why I switch email accounts every coulpla years or so. Sigh.

    You’re all gawgeous, ladies.

  14. Comment Deleted By Daring One says:

    Too much information about your parents’ intimate life.

  15. MrsLady says:

    I just wanted to let you know that you are the upitome of hilarioucity. I read this post to my other half and HE laughed. He never laughs at mom-blogs! You, ma’am, are the winner. Celebrate with some rice-shaking disco.

  16. Barb says:

    Why can I only be my true self with my small children, and with everyone else I’m self concious? Just answered my own question: no judging coming from a small child.

  17. Sketchy says:

    That would dancing thing would totally solve all my problems, perhaps even world peace could be acheived…

  18. RGLHM says:

    Just went crazy last night with Milly. It was so fun to just dance around. thought of you as I did it. Is it ok to be exhausted after only one song?

  19. Sarah says:

    Joel finally commented on the pigs’ feet tonight. That’s March4, 6:30 pm. We had a fun discussion about it. He said they’re really not all that bad to eat. Yuck.

  20. fidget says:

    I got some spam with a similar Mo, only apparently my ex girlfriends are all talking about how small my penis is. Sad thing is, I’m sure some dude out there is so paranoid that he thought it was a real email, much like some poor poor woman will with this version. Sigh

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