Long Range Clapper-Finder

I am a loser.  I lose things.  Small things, large things.  It doesn’t matter.  I can frequently be found asking people if they’ve seen my keys, my phone, my van, my mind. 

I can keep track of most anything on my Palm.  So maybe I should write down the location of all my important items at any given time in my PDA.  Then I’d just have to find that and I’d have the map to unlock my own personal universe of misplaced somethings.

On really bad days, days when my massive diaper bag masquerading as a purse eats all that is dear to me, I dream of a magic long range clapper-finder that will respond when I clap and tell me where the desired item is hiding.  I guess I’d need a different clap for each item or maybe a whistle, ala Captain Von Trapp.

My cell phone has the most amazing uber-long-range clapper-whistler-finder built right in.  Each night and often several times a day, I just call my own phone and follow the ringer.  I even occasionally do this when I KNOW it’s somewhere in the deep recesses of my purse but I still can’t find it.  It lights up when it rings, you know, and I can hear it echoing up from beneath the many crayons, tampons and electronic devices.

Well, we found out last night that its finder range extends at least 15 miles from my house.  This is the longest distance we’ve achieved in our testing to date and the results are very promising.

It was 11:00pm.  I called my phone.  Here, girl.  Here, girl.  Come to mama.  I will charge you, little cell phone.  Come heeerrrreeee.  Souuuuueeeeeee!  Not a sound did she make.  I walked out in the garage.  Nothing.  I went from room to room.  Nada.

Suddenly someone answered, “Hello?”
Me:  I must have the wrong number.
Woman:  Maybe not.  Do you know whose cell phone this is?
Me:  Maybe mine.  Is it smallish?  Cute?  Wearing tight leather pants with a see-through mid-section?
Woman:  Yeah.  You dropped it at Costco.  It’s in the lost and found.
Me:  Okay thanks.
Woman:  It’s the Costco in —town.
Me:  Thanks [Dude.  How many Costco’s do you think I go to in a day?]

Although she practically called me a compulsive bulk shopper to my face…over the phone, I forgave her in my gratitude that Costco has someone babysitting lost and lonely cell phones in the middle of the night, waiting to help me out in my continued quest for scientific advancement.

And, truth be told, I was glad she told me which Costco.  You see, Costcos like me – but only from a cautious distance.  There are currently two Costcos holding their positions equidistant from my house and I very well could have forgotten which one I attended that afternoon.  “Two Costcos stalking you?” you gasp.  That’s nothing.  I once had three Costco’s arrange themselves in a triangular pattern, each 25 minutes from my house in opposite directions.  They’re really quite remarkable creatures.


reasons: Magoo running to the laundry room with his arms outstretched to catch the dust flying from the lint trap as I change loads

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30 Responses to Long Range Clapper-Finder

  1. HLH says:

    I totally call my cell phone ALL the time to find it.

    In our house though, super-husband is the constant loser of items, while I am the finder. No joke, he called me while I was visiting his family in OKlahoma asking me where the orange extension cord was- he said he looked EVERYWHERE for it. Without batting an eye I told him it was were he left it in the children’s red wagon out front. Truely, I am awesome when it comes to finding!

  2. Owlhaven says:

    Yeah, I’m half an hour from two different Costcos myself….guess they’ll have to stalk closer than half an hour before I have to worry about them pouncing–whew!

    Mary, mom to many

  3. Tess says:

    maybe I could see my way to attaching a gps transmitter to my husband’s various belts that he can’t seem to put all on one hook in one closet… oh sorry, did I just post that tiny little gripe?

  4. Melissa says:

    Losers of the world, unite!

    I need a blinking-flashing-buzzing locator gizmo for my reading glasses. Sure, that’d make them too heavy for me to hold my head up, but I think we all know reading blogs is really that important. And if I try to do it without my glasses (which I will, you know, because I’m a dork) I wind up with a killer headache.

    So if you could just invent something for me, I’d really appreciate that. Or maybe I should just glue a skinny cell phone to them.

  5. “Although she practically called me a compulsive bulk shopper to my face…” cracked me up HARD. What an insult.

    Glad you found your phone, and I hear you about losing things… my sister is horrible about this and used to blame my kids when the couch “ate” her keys…

  6. Sketchy says:

    ROFL!!! Yes you have to be careful with those Costco’s…they have been known to attack without provocation and it costs hundreds to shake them loose!

  7. I’m a big loser and I wear my cell phone on a cord around my neck to prove it.

  8. Aunt Murry says:

    That is the only thing I miss about having a land line. I have been totally wireless for about 4 years and I love it. Except, of course when I misplace my phone.

  9. I need a search engine for my life and “stuff”. I mean, it works so well on Google! I just need a system where I think of what I lost and my mind does a search and pulls up its location! How easy would THAT be?

  10. Shalee says:

    I do the “call my own phone” thing too. I also get everyone into the search of what I “just had in my hand,” like a recipe, a sweater, a tattoo. It’s amazing how many times I have placed things in the weirdest places… I mean how often do you put your shoes on top of the car or a planner on the shelf with the cd player?

    All I can say is that I’m glad I’m in great company. We could start our own “The Biggest Losers” show.

  11. Mir says:

    I pink puffy heart you. That is all.

  12. Rebecca says:

    I’m nowhere near a Costco. The closest one is an hour away. And I don’t have a membership to it.
    Life is very, very sad.

  13. Angela says:

    The conversation with the Costco lady is hilarious. I have wished, hundreds of times that keys, my purse, my camera, and library books all had tracking devices on them. My life would be so simple.

  14. sare says:

    heh. If you invent an item-finding von-trap whistle, I will buy it.

    In bulk.

    You should live where we do– only one Costco. And it’s 230 miles away, so we go to Sam’s instead. :p

  15. sare says:

    whoops I meant 30 miles away.

  16. EmLouisa says:

    I needed this laugh today. THANK YOU!

  17. Tressa says:

    So many times I have thought the same thing. It would be so nice to have a clapper thingie attached to ones keys or remote control, or anything else small & prone to losing itself!

    I’ve not posted to you before, but I have been enjoying your witty blog since you were featured on mommybloggers. I especially enjoyed the Tip Tuesday about photos yesterday. I love taking pictures & any advice that makes them better is ok with me!

  18. allysha says:

    Hey, psst! I’m trying to keep this quiet for your privacy, but do you think you’d like to join Compulsive Bulk Shoppers Annonymous? You know, “Hello. I’m Allysha and I am a compulsive bulk shopper.” Not that I am one, of course… but I could hook you up with a group.

  19. Becky C says:

    You could name your clapper-finder whistle the “Claptian Von Trapp”. How’s that for clever?! 🙂

  20. Nicole says:

    My cell phone has the same nifty feature, and I use it all the time.

  21. Jane says:

    I once lost my wallet in New York City. Someone found it and gave it back. Are you kidding me?!

  22. Jane says:

    p.s. I *cannot* get to your site if I type in: http://daringyoungmom.com/ It HAS to have the www in there, why?

  23. Lei says:

    Eh, you’re not doing too bad… I once lost the keys I was holding in my right hand. 🙂

  24. Margaret says:

    My sister was complaining to her husband about how she had lost her mind, and had just used the phrase, “I think I’ve lost it” when her 7-yr-old daughter piped up – “I think I saw it in the garage!”

    I am a fanatic about NOT losing things. As in, “I DON’T lose things, and when I DO it makes me NUTS.” And sometimes I just have to say, “It was a Bic pen. You can replace it for 19 cents. Breathe deeply and move on.”

  25. Cmommy says:

    If you get any funnier, well, my bladder just can’t take it!

    What is the ringtone that signals you? I have to use the most obnoxious one, to make phone-tracking a bit easier. I’m still trying to find a real tone of “Don’t Talk To Strangers”, lol!

  26. Heidi says:

    Although we live up a canyon with plenty of forest around us, Costco is a mere 12 minutes away (even closer than a grocery store) and how awesome is THAT?! Oh, and I just returned from your neck of the woods where I dined on lovely Spud’s fish (hold the chips).

  27. Mel says:

    I wish I could call my missing remote control!

  28. grammyelin says:

    I love my cell phone and frequently call it to see where I’ve left my purse. There’s just something about me and losing purses. I think I averaged 1 a week in jr high school. And unlike New Yorkers (apparently), jr high kids don’t return anything!

  29. Mom2Six says:

    If you are going to call your cell phone to find it, be sure you didn’t leave it in the big-name Broadway-show University Auditorium in town.

    My husband and I recently went to see “Wicked” (a big rare treat for us), and someone’s cell phone rang randomly throughout the ENTIRE first half. During Intermission, it was the talk of the entire theater, with threats to boot whoever didn’t have the sense or know-how to just TURN THE THING OFF!

    I’m glad you found your phone in a less harmful place, though. Congratulations!

  30. Mom101 says:

    Ooh, I’ve always wanted some kind of clapper device for my remote controls, my keys, my phone. I can call my cell phone to find it, but half the time I can’t find any of the other three cordless phones I would need to do so. Then when I do find them, they’re out of batteries. Sigh.

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