The Lake House — Not a Horror Movie

In the past I’ve reviewed books on this site but I don’t remember doing a full-on movie review. Since I’ve shared my English majorness with you, I think it’s time I whipped out my Film majorly skeelz.

Over-run with boxes, expecting company tomorrow to come help us get some serious work done, I decided the best course of action was to ditch my responsibilities and head out for a latenight movie with Karlita.

We decided on The Lake House, although every time we hear the title we both think it’s a horror movie masquerading as a Nicholas-Sparks-style chick flick. There was no horror. A bad cream turtleneck sweater on the ever-so well-postured Mr. Reeves, but no real horror to speak of.

We had our concerns about Keanu but he was not nearly as wooden as Al Gore in this role and even managed to relax his neck for two or three scenes. More disturbing to me was how Christopher Plummer begins to look more and more like Old Mrs. Harris from the Anne of Green Gables movies as he ages. And he seems to die a lot. In fact, he’s died so much in movies that I was surprised to see him in this one and playing a jerk too, not something I like to see done by Captain von Trapp.

piratey thingsThere were a ton of people pretending to be a pirate (at the theatre, not on The Lake House — Arrrr). I know that sounds strange and it was. Several people were pretending to be one pirate. One guy was the eye patch, another one the pock-marked nose, while 5 other guys dressed up as the remaining toes. Okay, it’s late. But there were many many pirates at the theatre. For fear of having my deck swabbed or something, I restrained myself from taking pictures of them but I guess they were all lined up to see Jerry Bruckheimer’s latest triumph.

Can you think of any other producer who gets top billing above the director? Me neither. He smells of money so people show up. And he’s got The Depp, Legolas, and that really popular British girl with the long skinny neck who looks like Natalie Portman.

Anyway, we were not seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: Revenge of the Guy With Worms for a Beard at 12:01am so we did not have to stand in a line stretching to the Karate Dojo, nor were we required to superglue a parrot to our shoulder.

We were required to buy matching “gourmet” pretzels with “cheese” sauce.


So, the movie is about Keanu Reeves dressing in Shabby Scruffy Lumberjack Chic style (which I find highly attractive until the turtlenecks begin to surface for the anti-climactic climax) and Sandra Bullock trying to convince us that she’s a very sad and haunted young doctor, the kind who went to medical school.

That’s basically the plot in a nutshell. The long version includes a time portal mailbox where they send letters back and forth across a 2 year time gap, sort of like that Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, The Love Letter, only in miniature. It ends with her doing something that would have stopped the whole movie from happening in the first place, except instead it brings Keanu Reeves back to her so they can kiss peckishly and walk off arm-in-turtle-necked-arm.

The final kisses are just not very satisfying. Never Been Kissed — great kissing. However that movie had the word “kiss” in the title. This movie was not called “Kiss at the Lake House” or even “Lovin’ at the Lake House.” I should be lucky there was any romance at all, since the word romance was also conspicuously absent from the title. I have to give credit where credit is due. The move most certainly did contain a Lake House.

It also contained great lines, just lame enough for Keanu to deliver perfectly, like “She’s more real to me than any of that stuff.” The stuff, yes, the stuff. If she’s more real than the stuff, you’ve definitely got a keeper on your hands, Ted. You should probably plant a stolen tree outside her luxury apartment complex in downtown Chicago. No one will ever notice it’s there… except the girl… and then she’ll be in love with you, ba-da-bing!

Now the writing in this movie wasn’t nearly as bad as Star Wars Episode II, which coincidentally starred that girl who looks like Natalie Portman, or was it HER look-alike? Anywho, the worst romantic line of all time occurred there, something akin to, “I hate sand. Sand is rough and coarse. But you are not rough and coarse. You (stroking her skin) are soft and smooth.” At least that’s the way Dan says it to me when we’re re-enacting and doing scene-work.

Speaking of posers, there was one good passionate moment in the movie. Never mind that it made no sense for Sandra Bullock to be making out with Keanu Reeves, whom she’d never met before, at her birthday party, being held at her boyfriend’s house, which she later denied, saying that only Junior High kids “make out.” Um, sorry, NU-UH. I make out all the time and Junior High? I was too busy collecting key chains and playing in the band to make out with anyone. Duh! Wasn’t everybody? I mean besides sad-for-no-real-reason-haunted-by-their-unexplained-tragic-past doctor-types.

Anyway, the passion, the slow dancing, the nuzzling = good, the kind of scene we look for in an escapist mom’s-night-out kind of movie. They were dancing to a song that Karli and I decided we liked. I said I liked it except for the fact that the guy singing it sounded like he was trying to sound like that one not-dead Beatle. You mean, Paul McCartney? Yes, him, not the train conductor drummer guy.

So it turns out the song is by Paul McCartney who is apparently so pathetic that he can’t even do a good impersonation of himself. But we like it and will probably buy the CD to recapture the moment, not the nose-nuzzling moment, but the moment in the theatre when we discovered who was singing and almost laughed ourselves into a seizure.

It may not be his fault. He could have recorded it 2 years from now… in the future. Everything sounds different in the future. He could be doing an impression of the 2006 version of himself. Karli figures if they have the time travel technology available to use in the movie, why not use it in the recording studio too, see if any of the audience members are ept enough to pick up on it.

I would definitely lift my left pinky toe for this movie. Thumbs? Not so much.

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27 Responses to The Lake House — Not a Horror Movie

  1. Tess says:

    hmm. sounds like a movie I’ll be watching alone when I’m sick and don’t have to concentrate.

  2. emlouisa says:

    Sounds like a definite renter, and one I would most likely be watching alone since my husband refuses to see anything with the Non-Actor Keanu. He just can’t respect a guy after Bill and Ted’s.

  3. Shalee says:

    Awww Man! You gave away the ending. No warning or nothing. Sheesh. Now I’ll just have to hope that I forget all this by the time it comes out on DVD.

    At least you didn’t tell me if Keanu said “Whoa”. That’s his signature line.

    Now that Pirate one… That one looks good.

    And I’d have to squarely agree with you on the SW II opinion. Worst romantic line ever. But how many times did you have to watch it to get the “re-enactment” down? Wait, I don’t want to know. You’ll probably go into your “scene-work” description. TMI…

  4. Jeana says:

    Too funny! Your post was probably more entertaining than the movie. But I have to say “Wha-?” on the kiss thing. This from the woman who was so moved by nose-touching in P&P? I guess it’s in how they present it. The Paul Acartney thing–hysterical. I’m with Shalee on the “Whoa” thing–he always says that.

  5. You are the only person on the planet who can make me read a movie review. Seriously. I hate them. But I love yours!

    So, have you seen Superman? I’m debating whether to take a seven year old to see it tonight.

  6. HangerMom says:

    The Keira Knightly/Natalie Portman references cracked me up. And really the whole review. I wasn’t intending to see Lake House (since I haven’t been to a movie in about 2.5 years – birth of two children slowing me down and all – I hadn’t even heard of it. I’m so on top of things.) but now I’m sure I’d wait for it on dvd.

    I, too, would have assumed that name to be a horror movie. You must have spent the whole time waiting for the guy with the ax to time travel to the house and do some chopping.

  7. Jodi Jean says:

    love the movie review, you crack me up. i love those short hair actresses.

    as for sueprman, shannon @ rocks in my dryer, i dont think i would take a 7 year old. the movie was great, but the morals were a little lacking, which was kind of surprising because thats what superman always stood for. (so if you wanna teach your 7 year old that you never need to get married to do certain things, by all means take her) other than the M.I.A. morals i liked the movie. the casting was wonderful, and spacey made a GREAT lex luther. parker posey was as annoying as ever, and somehoe kate bosworth never found a brush during the entire movie — but her gorgeous costumes made up for the person who should have been fired for doing her hair.

  8. Heidi says:

    Seeing the ads, I’ve thought to myself, “Self, it seems to be they’re ripping off the plot of The Love Letter.” Which I really enjoyed, way back when. And you, who is married and mother of two kids, make out a lot? Wow!

  9. Laughing… laughing…can’t… stop… laughing…….

  10. Naddin J says:

    GOOD. I’m glad to be right. My friend Susan wanted to see this and all I could think was, “gag.” I’m not a big Keanu fan and Sandra, not so much either, unless she has a really hunky guy with her. Although I liked “While You Were Sleeping” and “Speed” (which I saw the non-R-rated version of on TV and taped).

  11. Tigersue says:

    I have to say I enjoyed the movie. I had a problem with the ending because as with all time problems when you change history, then everything else changes with it. So things that did not happen would have happened etc.

    I did like that it is PG, so no seeing women in thongs, not naked bodies and no huge sex moments. The worst part for me was the language with Christopher Plummers part.

    I would say if anyone wants to see it spend the money on a matinee ticket. Save the big bucks for something else. It is what it is, a romance escape film. Not much action, but I think we expect too much action in todays films.

    I think of it as a cross between sleepless in seatle and You’ve got Mail.

    I liked the fact that it could make me laugh and even want to cry, and right now with the meds I am on, that is good because I can’t even cry when I watch Narnia!

  12. ABC Momma says:

    I was going to beg my sister to let me go with her and her single friends to the pirate movie at midnight, but I couldn’t find my eye patch. Arrgh. Thanks for the Lake House review, I’ll pass on that one.

  13. Caryn says:

    I feel like the only one in the world who hasn’t had access to this movie yet; it hasn’t even come to the theater. I still want to watch it, though, especially after some of the comments.

  14. californiazenmom says:

    Okay, snorting Diet Coke at my computer screen here!!! Kathryn, you have definitely missed your calling. Forget this “aren’t my children adorable and funny” blog thing. You need to be a REAL movie critic!

    Two completely unrelated additional comments:

    1. Why wasn’t I invited? Hmmmmm? Hmmmmm?

    2. Keanu is definitely Al Gore-like at times and “whoa” was still his best movie line. But…don’t you think my DH kind of looks like him? So I can’t completely dismiss him, KWIM???

  15. Reel Fanatic says:

    Very funny stuff, but you’re definitely braver than me .. I couldn’t be dragged screaming to this one!

  16. Mommy@Home says:

    I saw the movie with a friend the weekend it came out. I thought it was pretty good- better than I expected. But, I think it is really funny how someone who reviewed the movie (Roeper?) said that Reeves and Bullock had great chemistry. What chemistry? They spent 95% of the movie apart. Everytime I see that in the commerical for the movie, I laugh to myself.

  17. Gabriela says:

    Not a big Keanu fan here. Think I’ll be renting this one. Thanks for the laughs!

  18. Margaret says:

    French people think it’s weird when I laugh outloud, again and again, in the internet room.

  19. Stephanie says:

    I love that line from Star Wars. Not that I remember it from the movie so much as I remember you telling it to me…

    Go see Nacho Libre. We just saw that. That was a good one.

  20. I’m not sure I can fork over all that money for a one-pinky-toe-up movie. I’ll just take your word (toe) for it.

  21. Tammy says:

    Ok…I agree with everyone else pretty much…you’re review was halarious! Great job!

    HOWEVER…I am just fresh from seeing the movie with my hubby (whom I dragged to see it of course) and I have to say…I LOVE this film. But of course, I’m a sucker for all things romantic. This was actually one of the most romantic movies I’ve seen in a long time.
    And the kiss…I beg to differ…even my husband agreed this was a great kiss. 🙂

    But still, I couldn’t help but laugh at your discriptions! Alhtough I may end up reviewing this movie myself, it probably won’t be with the wit and style of a true reviewer.

    So…I give both the movie and your review a thumbs-up!

  22. I absolutely loved your movie review! Although I am definately movie challenged. I just don’t have time to go to the movies except if it is something that the boys pester me till I take them to it kind of movie. But after your review I will wait until it comes out on TV. It doesn’t even sound good enough to bother renting.

    I absolutely love your writing style and agree you would totally be great at being a movie critic.

    P.S. I used to totally dig Keanu!

  23. Nettie says:

    Your pinky toe raising movie review gets my big toe! (The left one cause its bigger than my right one.) But after the laughs I am feeling a bit let down. I had big hopes for that movie. ***sigh***

  24. Sheri says:

    I’ve always found Keanu Reeves so dang…oh let’s face it…HOT…(Yes, I am 35 and I said that, perhaps I need an intervention), but hey, the guy can’t act! I have heard he’s better in this movie, and I have no doubt I’ll rent it someday, just for the whole Keanu Reeves effect at our house (Yeah, that’s what my husband calls it…)

    I’ll shut up now before I say too much.

  25. bon says:

    K, now I have to see the movie just so’s I can laugh about the McCartny song part.

  26. I’m going to vomit on my shoes. This may be your funniest post yet ever in the history of the world. I should post Cody’s review of said film on my site, and we could have dueling reviews. 🙂

  27. HLH says:

    humph- I saw it and I liked it! It wasn’t your typically conect the dots chick flick. You actually had to pay attention to figure out what time sequnce you were in.

    Now Adam Sandler’s “Click”, its a comedy right?! Uh- sorta- bring the kleenex. Wish someone had warned me, I was totally left unprepared for the mascara streeming down my cheeks!!

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